Why Your Child Pulls Away — And How to Emotionally Connect With Them
Sometimes I have parents coming to me saying , I don’t understand why my kid does not want to engage with me or do anything with me ! Its so frustrating !”
I then start to talk to them about what their childhood was like and how the interpersonal dynamics were played out with them in their family home . Invariably this often gives me some clues as to what might be going on in the family that this parent has now created. None of us are perfect parents and we all bring baggage that can span the spectrum of possibility , from pathology to parental absence . Or that we simply have the inability to connect with our own children in away that benefits them even though our intentions are good and we are ” good enough parents” in just about all other areas.
Feeling safe and loved is only part of the equation when it comes to healthy balanced relationships with our children . We hear the mantra ” connection before correction”. Which essentially means being curious about their feelings , perspective and validating how they feel about something even if we do not agree with their perspective. Problem solving – which historically when people tell us they are upset , we auto- go- to fixing mode especially men LOL ! Now, that is not a bad thing but we also need the ingredient that often people miss out .
I call it liquid gold ;
reflecting back what you heard for clarity and then validating feelings.
Its a simple techniques but it helps your child to feel safe enough to express their thoughts and feelings in a space where they are allowed to have them ! So many of us grow up in environments that lacked the space for us to vent , cry and get angry . We were shut down or even punished for showing emotions. All emotions are valid and we need to be able to express them without fear of retaliation or just NOT explored because we are busy being great parents by protecting our child through problem solving. Not only is this missing a huge part of emotional nurturing between ourselves and our child , it robs them of the ability to self agency _ the ability to become resilient and solve their own issues and obstacles . Below I have listed some great ideas of how you can start to grow in your relationship with your child . The younger you start the better . What a beautiful skill to pass on to the next generation !
Ways to connect with your child emotionally
Here is a simple approach .
- Notice and name the feeling
you do not need to guess perfectly. A best guess shows you are engaged.
For example:
“You look sad”
“You seem frustrated”
Kids feel valued when someone tries to understand what is happening inside them.
- Validate
This step is powerful. It communicates “your feelings make sense.”
Examples:
“That would be upsetting”
“I get why that feels so unfair”
Validation reduces escalation and earns closeness.
- Stay with the feeling
Silence is helpful here. A gentle question can keep connection going.
Examples:
“What is the hardest part right now”
“Do you want to tell me more”
Your goal is to listen without problem solving yet.
- Offer co-regulation
You might find physical comfort or sensory support easier to give than emotional language.
Options:
A hug
Sitting close
Breathing together
Getting a drink of water
Let the child choose what helps.
- Repair you misstep
You may unintentionally shut emotions down. A quick repair builds trust.
Examples:
“I think I jumped to solving too fast. I want to understand better.”
“Can we try again”
That models self-awareness for the kids too.
- Use scripts when your mind goes blank
Scripts give him confidence.
For example:
“I am here with you”
“You do not have to feel this alone”
“Tell me what you need from me right now”
Practice makes these feel more natural over time.
Parent Coaching Tips
• Do not judge them for not being emotional in the same way as others.
• Eye contact is optional. Connection happens through presence, not staring.
• Breathing slowly before responding keeps his nervous system steady.
• One genuine sentence is better than a long lecture.
You might find it clunky at first , and your kid might smell something fishy LOL !! but if you persist you will see changes. They will come to you more and more not just with their problems but their joys, challenges and hopes for the future , you will create a connection that will fulfil you in so many ways, and that my friend, is not just liquid gold , its gold nuggets!!!
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