My Teen has diagnosed Depression and self harms, I know I need to support her but how best can I do that as her parent ?

When your teen is in the throes of depression, parents can feel helpless and sometimes frustrated that they cannot “fix” the way their child feels. I remember when my brother become sick all my Mum wanted to do was to take it on for him. Wishing that she could be sick instead of him as she said, I could deal with it better “. It broke my heart. I didn’t quite understand what this meant until I had children of my own. There is a saying, “you are only as happy as your unhappiest child “. Watching from the sides you absorb and lament every tear and every sigh and want so much to be that magical healer for them, for only then you can be healed too.

Major Depressive Disorder can be a crippling and painful experience. The apparatus for” picking your socks up ” and getting on with it just isn’t there. It’s like throwing seed on concrete and telling it to grow. The emotional paralysis can bring with it, anger, deep sadness, despair, guilt, hostility and a weight so heavy you feel as if you have mountains that are just too high to climb. Motivation to get out there and bring good things into your life seem an impossibility. Even if the desire to get better is strong.

First a and foremost of all off course is making an appointment with a Psychologist or Counsellor IS IMPERATIVE. You need to know what you are dealing with before you as a parent can pick up after the she/he has left the professional office. Unless the home environment is conducive to recovery then your teen will have a hard time coping in between sessions. The work you do, is as important as the work she/he does for themselves and with their therapist. Recovery is on a continuum, and a village is an essential component to this. Your love, and family and friends love and support, are vital now to keep her holding space for a better future. There are some things you can remind her of daily to keep her on her track to recovery.

1. This too will pass. The way you feel in the moment is not permanent. Feelings are like waves, they ebb and flow and the intensity can be ridden and pass and it to that with someone who loves you.
2. The darkest moments need to be shared. Teach her to be mindful of her escalating negative thought patterns and get her to voice this too you whenever it happens.
3. Writing a diary or journal, she can then   revisit her mindset after the worst feelings have passed, and critique her own psyche! It’s a great way to give herself distance from the content and see it more objectively. Did I   really think that way then ! Look how far I have come !
4. Encourage her daily to seek you or another loved one out when the emotions become intense and she feels the urge to self-harm. Tell her that you are there to intercede and carry her through that wave.
5. Make sure she us aware there are always alternatives to damaging self harm such as, elastic around the wrists which are snapped, and hands in ice if she does find herself alone and the urge overwhelms her. (Psych should educate her around this but it needs to be mentioned many times)
6. Get her to call a support line if she can’t reach you when she is in extreme emotional distress and they will talk her through until the urge to harm has passed.
7. Having an emergency plan in place which she is reminded of frequently will instil in her the need to be proactive with her own illness and recognise her own signs.
8. Ask her what she would implement for a friend who self harms to protect her and help her / him manage it. What would she like you see them doing to protect themselves?
9. It is imperative that she ” truly gets it ” that she is ill and that her cognitive functioning is not at its best and therefore her rational thinking will be compromised enormously.  For this reason, she needs to be aware she is in danger of making rash decisions so it’s best to check in with Mum or another loved one for a second opinion – just in case!!
10. Tell her the past does not represent the future and that the way she feels now will improve, have hope and hold her hand. You can get there together!!
11.  Make sure you use the resources of other close family members to support you and help you cope with the ongoing worry, concern and supervision of her (without smothering) her, knowing she is surrounded with love support and acceptance will be a buffer for the weight of the dark times. She will be more resilient as a result and be more willing to shout out when she is unable to cope with the intensity of the bad thoughts and feelings.