I had a client come in to see me a few weeks ago, still reeling from the trauma and the grief of closing her man. She sat there looking small and fragile and through her soft tears she said “ I think we were trauma bonded ?
I asked her , what do you mean buy trauma bonded ? She thought for am few minutes and said “ I think it’s because we have both suffered with deep wounds that have not healed through our lives “. We understand the emotional pain and frustration and fear together in our attempts to navigate our world entwined with our addiction “.
Did you feel safe ? Did you feel loved and protected ? “ Oh yes she replied “
Yes she responded, “ He was my person , we were soul mates and I knew he loved me deeply”. She cried harder and her body shook with the grief and pain.
Gently , I said Tess, ( not her real name ) I don’t think you are trauma bonded . You may have been co dependant, ( that would be further explored ) later , but trauma bonding is toxic and corrosive .
So what is the core aspects of Trauma bonding ?
\Well, it is defined as a strong emotional attachment where there harm or manipulation on one side of the partnership . This develops through a repeated cycle of affection and mistreatment . Though the relationship is unstable and unsafe the bond can feel intense and is hard to break. That bond comes from the survival instinct . If we came from a home environment where our caregivers were unsafe and unpredictable we learnt that our carers can turn on a dime and become abusive . We are addicted to the high we get from the repair and the intermittent love , attention and compassion we see in small precarious windows ..
• Intermittent reinforcement
The harmful partner sometimes shows love, apologies, or kindness. These moments feel like relief and hope, which strengthens the attachment because the brain craves the “reward” of things being good again. A little like the “high”we get from using drugs or alcohol , gambling , binging and purging .
• Power imbalance
One person holds more control, resources, or emotional power. The other becomes more dependent over time.
• Gaslighting and self-doubt
The victim may start questioning their own perception and blame themselves for the other person’s behaviour.
• Isolation
The harmful partner often limits supportive relationships, leaving the victim more reliant on them.
• Cycles of escalation and calm
Periods of tension or abuse are followed by reconciliation, promises, or intense affection. These calm periods give the illusion of change.
Why Trauma Bonds Feel Strong
The brain links survival and love together. Stress hormones like cortisol rise during conflict, then serotonin and dopamine spike during reconciliation. This biochemical rollercoaster creates intensity that can be mistaken for deep love. It is normal to feel confused, loyal, or even protective of the harmful partner.
What Trauma Bonding is NOT
• It does not mean the person is weak.
• It does not mean the relationship was “all bad.” Often the good moments were real.
• It does not mean they “chose” the situation knowingly.
Trauma bonding shows how the brain works to survive chaotic connection.
Healing From a Trauma Bond
Recovery happens when a person has consistent safety and support to:
• Rebuild trust in their own perception.
• Recognize patterns without self-blame.
• Strengthen connections with safe people.
• Regain power and autonomy in decisions.
• Learn what healthy attachment feels like.
So, the key is to understand and be guided to be able to identify what is a real relationship that is safe and loving and what is unsafe. Some people stay in trauma bond because they think that they can “ help that person “ , that the father , mother of their children needs to be supported and encouraged not abandoned . This comes at the expense of the person being impacted by this . By attempting to “ save” this person and thus the relationship people can often make their partner worse and definitely erode away at that person’s emotional and psychological health .
It is safer to leave and allow that person to find professional clinical support to be able to perhaps come back to the relationship with the capacity to create a healthy connection , when they have done some work and you have done some work on establishing boundaries and self care.