What is an emotional affair ?
A client came to me recently and said I have a dilemma Sian ” I’m wondering if I could brainstorm it with you ? “Absolutely” I, replied, “I love a good brainstorm “.
“So, she says taking in a big breath, and then, with a big release of air and a huge “humph” , continues, “ I have this great male friend who I know likes me romantically , I see him a lot , I’m wondering what an emotional affair is and whether I am in one ? “.
Wow what a question !!
To be honest as a counsellor I had not had this kind of question asked before and believe me I have heard some tricky and whacky things asked of me. I could see that she had been thinking this over for some days and just wanted to mull it over with someone neutral .
I was intrigued and asked her to tell me more as we settled into our retro chairs in my cosy office. . Had she already had “ that talk “ with him ? “ I asked. “ Oh yes”, she replied, “we are very candid and honest with each other , we tend to be like that “. The client then proceeded to tell me her story; I’m paraphrasing here but this is kind show it went .
So, for 6 years she’s had this great male friend , he really likes her and has told her so. She’s made it clear that she is happily married and that although she loves him as a friend and the friendship is very important to her, her feelings will go no farther than that as there is too much invested in her marriage. She had the frank discussion with the male friend that if their lives had been differently timed , it may have been different as the chemistry is there , however she was clear that her loyalty and respect was with her husband . The man understood, the client then asked if it was possible for him to just be friends with her moving forward .” Yes absolutely” , he said, “you are such a great support to me in many ways ,I would hate to lose our great connection and you are always safe with me “.
She then proceeded to say, this guy is so much fun and has helped her through some difficult times in her professional life . She doesn’t have a lot of male friends and none in the city she now lives , he’s been such a great support . They have so much in common, but should she ditch him ? There are things in this friendship that she does not get in her marriage ( of course she would never say that to her husband ) but isn’t that the case with all friends and marriages , be the friendship , male or female ?
Her husband doesn’t mind the friendship but does get a little jealous when they go out for lunches alone. He’s invited but says no as he thinks we talk rubbish ( LOL ) The clients then admit she likes the attention and fun she has having lunch without anyone else being there !They are both in the same profession and like to talk about the same topics, stuff that usually “bores my husband to death” she says with a giggle.
The client has had conversations with her husband to say that she is in no way interested in this guy romantically . The client also said to her husband “if you want me to break up the friendship I will” . The client assured me she meant that as she knows where her loyalty lies. The husband did not miss a beat, “ definitely not, I would never ask you to give up any loyal caring friendships .”
The client them proceeded to say I don’t feel guilty as I know I’m not interested in a sexual relationship with this man , but am I treading on thin ice ? Am I too intimate with him without the sexual part ? Am I being unfaithful to my husband ?
“Can you see my dilemma ? “. She flopped lower in her chair and took a swig from her drink bottle . She looked at me as if to say” come on girl what’s ya verdict ? “.
This got me thinking . What is an emotional affair and what does it look like in practise ?
What boundaries do we need when we have a male friend that we don’t want to let go of , but we are still not sure what the boundaries should be ? Especially when you know he may still jump into bed with in you in a New York minute.
So, let’s look at what precisely are the ingredients that make up an emotional affair . Then we can look at this situation with more insight and objectivity .
An emotional affair is a relationship where someone forms a deep emotional connection with a person outside their primary relationship — in a way that crosses boundaries of emotional intimacy, secrecy, or loyalty. So what does this mean ?
It often starts innocently but gradually shifts into a kind of emotional intimacy that should belong within the romantic partnership.
Suspicious wife trying to check on her husband on a dating website
Here are the key signs and features of an emotional affair:
💬 1. Emotional Intimacy
You share personal thoughts, feelings, and vulnerabilities with this person — especially things you don’t share with your partner. They become your main emotional confidant or source of comfort.
Tick from my client !
🤫 2. Secrecy or Deception
You hide the amount of contact, the content of conversations, or the depth of your feelings from your partner. You may downplay the relationship or feel defensive if your partner asks about it.
Tick from my client !
💓 3. Emotional Dependency
You start craving their attention or approval. You think about them often, look forward to seeing them, or feel disappointed if you can’t connect.
Tick
⚖️ 4. Shift of Energy
Emotional energy, affection, or focus that used to go into your romantic relationship now goes toward this other person. Your partner may feel a growing emotional distance from you.
Tick
🚩 5. Romantic or Sexual Undercurrents
Even if there’s no physical contact, there’s often subtle flirtation, attraction, or fantasy. You might wonder what if…? or compare this person to your partner.
Tick !
💡 In essence:
An emotional affair is a breach of emotional boundaries rather than physical ones. It’s about where your emotional loyalty and intimacy are going — and whether that’s undermining trust or closeness in your primary relationship.
- How do I recognize when a close friendship is becoming an emotional affair ?
- 1. You’re sharing more emotional intimacy with them than with your partner
- You tell this friend things you don’t tell your partner.
- You go to them first with problems, frustrations, or exciting news.
- They become your emotional “safe place” instead of your partner.
- Key question: “Who do I feel more emotionally seen or understood by right now — my partner or this friend?”
- 2. You begin hiding or downplaying the relationship
- Deleting messages, changing names, or being vague about how often you talk.
- Feeling nervous if your partner sees your phone.
- Saying things like, “We’re just close friends,” while feeling the need to protect the connection.
- If you feel the need to hide it, that’s a major sign.
- 3. You think about them when you’re not together
- Replay conversations in your mind.
- Feel excited or uplifted when they message you.
- Wonder what they’re doing or anticipate seeing them again.
- This is bonding + emotional dependency starting to form.
- 4. You compare them to your partner
- “He listens to me better than my partner.”
- “She understands me in a way my partner doesn’t.”
- Feeling annoyed with your partner after spending time with this person.
- Comparison is often the emotional shift that fuels the affair dynamic.
- 5. The conversations with this friend become more personal, vulnerable, or flirty
- Even subtle flirtation counts:
- Compliments about looks
- “What if” scenarios
- Talking about relationship dissatisfaction
- Sexual jokes or emotional closeness that feels charged
- The intensity matters as much as the content.
- 6. You feel connected to them in a way you don’t want to lose
- You would feel real grief if the friendship had to end.
- You would choose their emotional reaction over your partner’s comfort.
- You imagine what a relationship with them might feel like.
- Even if nothing physical has happened, this shows emotional attachment has deepened.
- 7. You start prioritising them over your partner
- Cancelling plans with your partner for them
- Putting more effort into looking good when you see them
- Feeling more alive, desired, or understood with them
- Attention + energy = emotional investment.
- 🔍 The simplest test
- If this friendship creates emotional distance from your partner, it’s becoming an emotional affair.
After discussing this at length over a couple of sessions, my client realised that she was correct , she had been engaging in many of these with her male friend. It dawned on her that she was emotionally cheating and needed to back off from this situation. It was hard but she did it , knowing that the risk of losing what she had was not worth it .
Luckily for her the male friend fell in love with another woman very soon after this realisation and this took the pressure off, their friendship resumed , this time on a much more even keel ! In fact dinners out with the four of them together proved to be a great way to keep the friendship alive but maintain healthy relationship boundaries .
Are you having an emotional affair ?
First 15 min consultation free
Click to Call – speak directly with a Logan counsellor / Shailer Park counsellor