She started to cry and it felt like she couldn’t stop , that someone had died and she would never recover. My client is a young woman living with BPD . It comes with a lot of distressing symptoms. An end of a short term friendship can feel like a murder, a hiccup at work can feel like a sacking . Its a whirlwind of industrial strength emotions and feelings . Many days can feel like a war of the senses and the heart . One of the biggest hurdles for people living with BPD is a blessing and a curse. They have good hearts and souls and a strong conscience . Their empathy and compassion can be their saviour and their enemy . Their responses and reactions to perceived slights or criticisms can be huge and as we know words are poisoned darts that cause major damage to even the most secure relationship across time . Death by a thousand cuts comes to mind. They can do so much damage to their connections with others , but they need those connections desperately to buffer them from life’s other challenges and hurdles .
Dealing with the aftermath of a conflict can be very disabling and the guilt and shame people living with BPD can leave them feeling heavy and distressed . Forgiving themselves , can be even harder than forgiving others , because their sense of self worth and self identity is already like a candle in the wind.
It doesn’t take much to completely disarm them. So how do you support someone battling with the guilt and shame of their past behaviours towards people they love ? Here are some tips on how to navigate guilt and shame with your loved one living with BPD .
Questions to ask someone with BPD on how to process their feelings of guilt
Exploring the Guilt Itself
- Can you describe what you feel guilty about in your own words?
- When you think about that situation, what emotions come up besides guilt?
- What does this guilt mean to you? Do you see it as proof of something about yourself?
Understanding Context and Triggers
- What was going on in your life at that time? Were there stressors that made things harder for you?
- How do you think your emotions or fears influenced your actions in that moment?
- If you could go back and speak to yourself in that moment, what would you want to say?
Challenging Harsh Self-Judgment
- If a close friend were telling you this story about themselves, how would you respond to them?
- Do you believe this one moment defines you as a person? Why or why not?
- Can you recognize any patterns of self-blame that may not be entirely fair to you?
Focusing on Growth and Moving Forward
- What have you learned from this experience?
- How do you behave differently now compared to back then?
- How can you use this feeling of guilt in a way that supports your healing rather than punishing yourself?
- What kind of closure or self-forgiveness do you think you need?
Repair and Reconciliation (if applicable)
- If this involved another person, do you feel a need to make amends? What might that look like in a way that’s healthy for both of you?
- If direct amends aren’t possible, is there another way you can honor your growth from this experience?
Would you like to focus more on self-forgiveness, behavior change, or repairing relationships in your sessions?