When I was in my 20s , I was a misery bag . I just didn’t bounce back form difficulties and issues in my life like a lot of people around me . I thought I must have missed out on a coping memo that the world had got except me .
I would feel acute pain and a need to shut down every time a relationship broke up or I lost a job. I could barely get out of bed some days and the crying, anger, irritation , and listlessness would last for weeks .
I thought I lacked resilience which kind of made me feel worse about myself and who I was in the world. I had a few friends criticise me for not being “ happy enough “ around their newly minted cool friendships and this was a crushing blow at the time.” Yeah kick me while I am down will ya “ . I never forgot it what me so called friend said to me “ you create your won pain “and another “ I won’t invite you out with my friends I will only see you on my own “. Slap hard right there !
Even at 24 with a little understanding of love , acceptance , nurturing and loyalty it struck me as harsh and judgmental. If I had been nasty and rude that would be different , but I was just quieter than I usually am and less inquisitive about people . The energy to just be alive was consuming all of my chatty efforts
My view on that rejection has changed little . My perspective on who I was and what was going on for me has changed dramatically though . I now see how I lost friendships and a relationship due to the intensity of my feelings and my inability to rise over the top of it , to make others feel good while I felt like dying inside. I laid bare every emotion as it happened in real time , not thinking about the impact on how others would view me . I should have worn my social performance mask. It was detrimental and worked against me . It was the litmus test of my relationships, and I failed, and they failed miserably. Thank God for my Mum at the time , she could weather any emotional storm with me and still love me unconditionally .
Had I known and understood what was going on in my brain and how it impacted my interactions with others , I could have sought help much quicker . I could have got relief far quicker and perhaps navigated the fragility of those relationships with more sensitivity and delicacy . Woulda shoulda coulda ….. that old chestnut . In my work as a therapist “ should’ is a cognitive distortion, a mind trap we fall down with little effort or persuasion. Putting expectations on ourselves that are neither helpful or productive , or even soothing to the soul. It was a time in history without the internet or social media . Without seeing laid bare the designer disorders of every high-profile celebrity to destigmatise the curse of mental illness and the struggles of that other “ MeToo”, struggles with poor mental health . A time of hiding our feelings for fear of appearing weak . This was the 80s. You had to be powerful and go for it !
The only thing I knew at the time was that I suffered from Pre-menstrual tension (PMT) and the only remedy available to my knowledge was primrose oil tablets . They helped , but still the dark cloud of feeling like nothing was worthwhile and life held no meaning would permeate my soul for up to 10 days a month . Little did I know that I was actually suffering from an industrial strength kind of PMT called Pre-Menstrual Dysmorphic Disorder . The symptoms of which , were bigger and bolder than common old garden variety PMT
On top of this I now know I also suffered from Major Depressive Disorder , a double whammy . The two disorders came together to play recklessly in my brain, finding a chaotic playground , kindred spirits , playing havoc with my emotions , leaving me sad and guilty about my lost productivity . Ambition and depression are a frustrating duo, they both hate each other and will fight to the death , finding a seat for both at the table almost impossible. Depression being the toughest and strongest of the pair, would nearly always win.
I can clearly remember that I was driving along the street and thinking to myself “ I could drive my car into that tree right now “ . I was not suicidal per se but the thought of relief from my feelings was seductive and enticing .
I knew that my Mum had suffered many bouts of depression through my childhood and had said her periods left her feeling she could “ argue with her finger nail “ yet it did not register with me at the time that I may have PMDD or a treatable diagnosable disorder of my moods.
It wasn’t until I was treated for my depression that I also by accident got relief from my PMDD . Many of the symptoms of PMDD mimic Depressive Disorder , so unbeknownst to me , one day I woke up and had my period , but had not experienced the 7-10 days of utter misery prior to its unheralded arrival. Wow ! This awesome . Jackpot.
Life after that had far more quality to it. Yes I still became moody and sad sometimes, but the crippling effects were no longer part of my repertoire and this was huge for me . Just knowing that I had a disorder was comforting for me . the guilt and shame I had felt over being “ weak and lacking resilience “ or “for being a perpetual victim “ diminished and I felt justified in the struggle I had endured for 10 years without support or medication to ease my symptoms .
So, what exactly is PMDD ? Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder (PMDD) is a severe form of premenstrual syndrome (PMS) that causes significant emotional, psychological, and physical symptoms in the luteal phase (the two weeks before menstruation). It affects daily life, work, and relationships.
Symptoms of PMDD:
PMDD symptoms are more intense than regular PMS and can include:
- Emotional & Psychological: Severe mood swings, depression, anxiety, irritability, anger, feelings of hopelessness, suicidal thoughts, and difficulty concentrating.
- Physical: Fatigue, bloating, headaches, breast tenderness, joint/muscle pain, and sleep disturbances.
- Behavioral: Increased sensitivity to rejection, difficulty in relationships, and withdrawal from social activities.
Causes & Risk Factors:
- Sensitivity to hormonal changes in estrogen and progesterone
- Serotonin imbalance (affects mood regulation)
- Genetic predisposition
- History of depression, anxiety, or trauma
Diagnosis & Treatment:
- Diagnosis: Based on tracking symptoms over two menstrual cycles to distinguish PMDD from other mood disorders.
- Treatment Options:
- Lifestyle changes (exercise, diet, stress management)
- Medications (SSRIs like fluoxetine, hormonal birth control, or GnRH agonists)
- Therapy & Counseling (CBT can help with emotional regulation)
- Supplements (calcium, magnesium, and B6 may help)
PMDD is serious but treatable. If you or someone you know struggles with it, speaking to a healthcare provider can help find the right approach.
For me finding the right medication was amazing because it made me feel “ normal’ and it gave me the lift I needed to tackle my everyday problems without falling in a heap. It was not a “ happy pill “ as people would pejoratively call it , as medication cannot bring on happiness , but it can set you up with the apparatus to go out and find your happiness. Which I did .
The added bonus of knowing that it would help my PMDD was a god send. I would say that those days of “ wanting to argue with my fingernail are well gone and were so way before I reached menopause .
So if you find yourself suffering from PMDD and MDD just know that there is help out there and you can manage your symptoms successfully !