When they both entered my garden office ( yes I like to keep it natural LOL ) they both had a quiet and dignified air about them . A wonderful couple who you could tell thought the world of each other but there was deep sadness and regret lingering between them.
Sarah and Steve came to see me as Sarah had had a one-night stand and had thus been unfaithful, 6 weeks ago. The couple had discussed it at length and Sarah was very remorseful . Sarah said that she felt Steve would often be hesitant to talk about it with her as she afraid that Sarah would cry . Sarah said that she cries a lot , and that it’s because she is so ashamed of herself and hates that she has hurt Steve so much . Steve was more reserved and did not express his inner most pain very often but you could tell he was carrying the worry and concern about their future and the fear that he could never trust Sarah again.
Steve said that Sarah was right , he hated to see her cry so he would avoid asking questions or getting into further discussions even when he had more to ask. He felt himself ruminate and become quiet and distant with Sarah . This was causing issues of open communication in the processing and healing of this betrayal which they both said they wanted to get past and stay together. They didn’t know how to navigate this so came to me for guidance .
Cheating can be very toxic to a relationship and for many relationships it can be the death knell. Sometimes some couples do not come back from this. Its takes a lot of trust rebuilding , sharing times of feeling that pain and expressing the tears and the anger together . The person who cheated has to be an open book moving forward and be prepared for the time for the relationship to heal be on the terms of the person who was betrayed , not the other way around.
I have heard people who cheat say “ I’ve said sorry so many times , what more do you want ?” Often this is a way to shut the conversation down so that the unfaithful partner does not have to feel the uncomfortable feelings that come up for them or witness the pain of their partner again and again . This is the price we pay for cheating, and it is the price we pay for real love to heal. If we want it to work long term ,we must talk about it until….. In fact, the more that the couple is able to sync their time for expression and pain, the more likely they are to heal quicker and come out of the betrayal with a better understanding of each other . Not all cheating relationships are doomed , but all relationships that do not talk , process and heal together will be doomed .
Sometimes the cheating is about the quality of the relationship. All couples have conflict at some stage. If the couple do not resolve issues in a healthy way , they may build up resentment and distance which sees them bear grudges towards each other that shut down intimacy and communication and the couple inevitably look outwards to get their needs met. Sometimes it may have nothing to do with the other partner and is about how the individual sees themselves in the world , their self-identity and their self-worth and how they find validation . It may even be self-sabotage due to not feeling they are worthy of love and commitment . There are many reasons , and these would need to be explored in a therapists room.
This couple had a loving , caring gentle romance that they wanted to nurture and heal , they were committed to this working .
Repairing a relationship after infidelity is challenging but possible with mutual commitment, honesty, and effort. Here’s a structured approach to help rebuild trust and intimacy:
- Take Time to Process
- Acknowledge emotions: Both partners may experience a wide range of emotions, such as anger, guilt, shame, sadness, or betrayal. Give each other space to process these feelings.
- Seek support: Consider confiding in a trusted friend, family member, or therapist to help navigate your emotions.
- Communicate Openly and Honestly
- Address the infidelity: The partner who was unfaithful should take full responsibility for their actions without deflecting or blaming.
- Answer questions: The betrayed partner may need clarity to move forward. Be prepared to answer questions honestly while being mindful of how much detail is helpful.
- Listen actively: Both partners should feel heard. Acknowledge each other’s pain and concerns without defensiveness.
- Establish Boundaries and Transparency
- Set clear boundaries: Agree on behaviors that promote trust, such as openness about social interactions or sharing access to devices (if both parties are comfortable).
- Practice transparency: The unfaithful partner can take steps to rebuild trust by being accountable and transparent in their actions.
- Rebuild Trust Gradually
- Show consistent effort: Trust is rebuilt through consistent, trustworthy behavior over time. This may include showing reliability in small, everyday actions.
- Avoid secrecy: Transparency about feelings, plans, and intentions can help rebuild security.
- Address Underlying Issues
- Explore what led to the infidelity: While infidelity is never justified, understanding underlying relationship issues can be valuable.
- Work together: Both partners can reflect on how they can improve communication, intimacy, or connection moving forward.
- Seek Professional Help
- A couples therapist or counselor can help facilitate productive conversations, address emotional wounds, and create a structured plan for healing.
- Therapy also provides a safe space to navigate lingering pain or mistrust.
- Focus on Self-Healing
- For the betrayed partner: Focus on self-care and processing your emotions. It’s okay to take time to decide whether you want to continue the relationship.
- For the unfaithful partner: Work on understanding why the infidelity occurred and demonstrate a genuine commitment to personal growth.
- Reignite Connection
- Spend quality time together: Engage in activities that you both enjoy to rebuild your emotional connection.
- Be patient: Healing takes time, and setbacks may occur. Commit to working through them together.
- Forgiveness and Moving Forward
- Forgive when ready: Forgiveness is a process that should not be rushed. It does not mean forgetting but letting go of resentment.
- Create a new chapter: Focus on building a relationship that is stronger and more resilient than before.
With Sarah and Steve it was important for Steve to vent and express his anger , pain, frustration and fear with Sarah . Sarah acknowledges that she has to regain Steve’s trust and that she will have to feel uncomfortable for a while as he asks many questions that she may struggle to answer. If Sarah remains open to this process across time and does not become defensive , this relationship may last the distance .
Leaving the timing of the healing to Sarah’s timeline is something Steve will have to be willing participant in.