The Mum rang me in tears . She had just told her 19-year-old daughter that she had to move out. It tore the Mum apart ,but for her own sanity which was slowly eroding away, she had to do it . Knowing that, at the same time , this young woman had nowhere to go . Every meltdown , every trigger , every screaming match, made her feel as if they both drowning in a pool of their own familial pain .
The Mum told me it was the most heart breaking , mothering- nurturing- counter intuitive action ,she had ever forced herself in to, but deep in her soul she knew that things could not go on the way they have been . They would both be suicidal before long.
I totally empathized , having experienced firsthand the destruction of two people in a co dependent , enmeshed and toxic relationship , I knew with out a shadow of a doubt where this could lead . Nothing positive could come of this relational dynamic , absolutely nothing . We cried together on the phone ( yes sometimes counsellors are human and fallible too !) . I left her with hope and the certainty that something had to change and if she believed this what part of that solution , then so be it. Brave mother , if ever I saw one . They needed distance from each other, and it had to come to this despite the worry of her child being in the world struggling to find traction without the back up of her Mother . She knew her girl needed to stand on her own two feet . It was a scary leap of faith.
Getting some distance and encouraging her daughter to problem solve rathe than rescue and make life easier for her was a huge step . Now she had to look at how the new permutation of their mother – daughter relationship would be carved out and how to navigate this to success.
Building a positive and understanding relationship with a daughter who has Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) can be challenging but is also deeply rewarding , if you are prepared to set careful boundaries that are consistently held , monitored and adapted as new changes occur. Here are some strategies to help:
Understanding BPD will help you empathize with her experiences. People with BPD often experience intense emotions, fear of abandonment, and difficulty regulating their reactions. Learning about these traits can help you respond with compassion rather than frustration. I shared with my client some great resources on BPD that could help her to understand her daughter better . One is a book called “Walking on Egg Shells “. Th other would be to join forums for parents of children living with BPD . Black Dog Institute and Reach Out have such forums . My client found this very helpful.
Your daughter may feel misunderstood or invalidated at times. Show her that you value her feelings by:
- Giving her your full attention.
- Avoiding interruptions.
- Reflecting back what you hear to ensure she feels understood (e.g., “It sounds like you’re feeling overwhelmed.”).
Even if you don’t agree with her perspective, acknowledge her feelings. Validation doesn’t mean agreeing but showing that her emotions are real and understandable:
- Instead of saying, “You’re overreacting,” try, “I can see why you’d feel this way.”
Boundaries are essential in any relationship, and they’re especially important when dealing with intense emotions. Be firm but gentle:
- Explain your boundaries calmly and respectfully.
- Be consistent in enforcing them, so she knows what to expect.
If she’s not already in therapy, encourage her to consider it. Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT) is particularly effective for BPD. You might also consider attending family therapy to improve communication and understanding.
Her emotions may escalate quickly, and it’s important to avoid mirroring that intensity. Practice staying calm and avoid reacting impulsively:
- Take deep breaths.
- Give yourself space if needed (e.g., “I think we both need a moment to cool down; let’s talk about this in 10 minutes.”).
People with BPD may struggle with a fear of abandonment and dependency. Encourage her to make her own decisions while offering support when she needs it. This balance helps build her confidence.
Caring for someone with BPD can be emotionally taxing. Prioritize your well-being to avoid burnout:
- Seek support from friends, family, or a therapist.
- Engage in activities that recharge you.
Acknowledge her efforts and growth, no matter how small. Positive reinforcement can help her feel valued and understood.
Building trust and a healthy relationship takes time. Be patient with her progress and your own learning process.
If you’d like, I can help you find resources or suggest specific exercises to improve communication and understanding. Let me know!
If your relationship is prone to quick escalation then perhaps set up “ safe topics “ to talk about . Meet them in a neutral place like a café or park , or do an activity together like manicures , pedicures, where it’s easier not to bring in sensitive issues .
You can start off with a coffee and a chat for an hour and then increase it to lunch or dinner , and an overnight stay .
People living with Borderline can be easily dysregulated and one of their biggest fears it abandonment and rejection. They will be hyper sensitive to anything that is even slightly smelling of criticism . They can also be very manipulative to get their needs met . This may be conscious or unconscious . Sometimes the emotional pain is so raw deep and visceral that it drives them to expect far more of you than they do of themselves, especially if they are very close to you . Be mindful of buying into their negative and emotional narrative. It can bring you down and over the years just like in a domestic violence situation , it can see you believing that you are not a good person and that you are the one damaging the quality of the relationship and ruining everything .
Don’t be afraid to stand your ground . Giving in and changing the goal posts because of emotional and psychological pressure from them has put you in this situation in the first place , so remind yourself that you have a bigger goal in mind of reunification and a more stabilized child . Giving in is feeding the beast !! ( not your child by the way, their behaviours ! LOL )
Be patient with them and yourself. You only have so much to give, and you have to spread it around. You may find you have too little energy for all the other things in your life if you don’t set those boundaries .
These strategies work , not all of them for every daughter , and not all of the time, but with persistence and patience you will develop a healthier relationship with your daughter and you will grow healthier and stronger too .
Best of luck !