My gorgeous funny and sweet client sat in front of me , her eyes wet with tears and her head in her hands .
“ I must be a bad person she said , “ I think the vilest thoughts , bestiality , sex with children and violence. They are so horrible and despicable I just want to die. I must be evil right ? . When I tell myself that this is not the case and I challenge myself , my mind then says you are lying to yourself because deep down you are like that. I try to escape the thoughts . I try so hard to think of something inane, distract myself by doing something , play with the dog , listening to uplifting music fill my mind with positive thoughts . It doesn’t work , I come back to fighting the thoughts like a warrior . They bring me to my knees, and I feel as if I am drowning in the thoughts, and they will kill me “
My heart went out to her. Can you imagine what it must be like for your brain to seemingly be carrying you around as its hostage ? Holding you with a knife to your head. Living a life of its own , a carousel of thoughts spinning around and around until you are sick with fear , dread and deep guilt and shame .
A lot of my wonderful clients struggle with such negative, cruel sadistic intrusive thoughts . But I tell my clients that your thoughts are not always YOU are they ? They can be part of your illness, and your illness will trick you into thinking that they are evidence of your “ toxic character “ .
But why THOSE kinds of thoughts ? Well , that’s a good question .
Often, the worst thoughts that pop into your head do so because they represent the opposite of you. Some people get horrible intrusive thoughts about violence, fears, sexual stuff, and more. These thoughts happen because they scare you, and they are soooo NOT who you are . They actually represent what you DON’T want to be or do. They are fuelled by acute anxiety .
I tell my clients that if you enjoyed them , and delighted in them , that would say much more about your character wouldn’t it ? The fact that you abhor and feel shame shows that you are no psychopath ! LOL
The bottom line is this :
Everyone experiences intrusive thoughts from time to time. These sometimes include upsetting thoughts about violence, sex, or contamination. But remember: Intrusive thoughts are just thoughts, no matter how unsettling.
Our stream of consciousness is more like a meandering fast flowing river than a little creek. Our minds are broadband, and yet we can only process just three to seven mental events at any given time. Most of what goes through our mind never makes it into our awareness. Banal stuff like flipping lights on or off or driving in the car , we can do automatically and are under our consciousness radar. Our mind defaults to the worst stuff consciously because its making sure we are safe .
These three simple facts about the way your brain works:
- Everyone has passing intrusive ( sometimes weird or horrible ) thoughts.
- Consciousness is broadband, but we are only aware of just a few channels at any moment.
- We focus on things that seem dangerous, urgent or violateour expectancy, lay the groundwork for the content of Unwanted Intrusive Thoughts.
This is why ACT is a great therapy for those who know that fighting the thoughts will not work and in fact will make them feel worse and exhausted.
Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) is a psychological approach that helps individuals live meaningful lives while effectively managing painful thoughts, emotions, and experiences. It combines mindfulness techniques with behavioural change strategies and focuses on increasing psychological flexibility—the ability to stay present, adapt to challenging circumstances, and commit to actions that align with your values.
ACT is built on six interconnected principles:
- Acceptance
Accept thoughts and emotions rather than fighting or avoiding them. This doesn’t mean approval but simply allowing them to be there without judgment. - Cognitive Defusion
Learn to distance yourself from unhelpful thoughts. Instead of seeing them as facts, view them as passing mental events. For example, instead of “I am a failure,” recognize it as “I am having the thought that I am a failure.” - Being Present
Practice mindfulness to stay in the moment and observe your experiences non-judgmentally. This helps reduce rumination and worry about the past or future. - Self-as-Context
Understand that you are not your thoughts or feelings. You are the observer of these experiences, which allows for a broader perspective. - Values
Clarify what truly matters to you in life—your core values. These provide direction and purpose. - Committed Action
Take meaningful steps aligned with your values, even in the presence of discomfort or fear.
How to Use ACT in Your Life
Here are some practical steps:
- Practice Mindfulness Daily
Dedicate time to mindfulness exercises, such as deep breathing, body scans, or focusing on your senses. Apps like Headspace or Calm can help. - Identify Your Values
Reflect on what matters most in different life domains (e.g., family, work, relationships, personal growth). Write down your top values. - Set Values-Based Goals
Create actionable, specific goals based on your values. For example, if family is important, a goal might be to spend one hour of uninterrupted time with your child daily. - Learn to Defuse from Thoughts
Practice exercises like:- Saying a negative thought out loud repeatedly until it loses its emotional charge.
- Labelling thoughts as “just a thought” rather than reality.
- Accept Difficult Emotions
When you feel overwhelmed, instead of avoiding or suppressing the emotion, sit with it. Notice where you feel it in your body and breathe through it. - Commit to Action
Take steps aligned with your values even when it’s uncomfortable. For instance, if fear of failure holds you back, take small steps toward a valued goal despite the fear. - Seek Professional Guidance
If ACT resonates with you, consider working with a therapist trained in ACT to deepen your practice and address specific challenges.
Would you like help applying ACT to a specific situation in your life?
Give me a call for a quick free chat to see if we are a good fit !