“Oh no , she gave me stink eye , she hates me…. !!”
Fear of rejection is a natural human experience tied to our need for social connection and acceptance. It’s rooted in evolution—being part of a group was crucial for survival, and rejection could mean exclusion from resources or protection. Today, though rejection no longer poses physical risks, it still triggers deep emotional discomfort. One of the most distressing features of a borderline personality profile is what is known clinically as “ Rejection Sensitivity Disorder “ . This is where the person will see a minor slight , conflict , rupture or perceived negative interaction as “ evidence ‘ that the person hates them and will often go into a complete tearful meltdown over it , only to find out it was not the case at all. The evidence when discovered , was a mis interpretation or misunderstanding . Sometimes the person will even completely “bite their nose to spite their face “ in order to avoid even the slightest hint of rejection possibility . I had one client who we were looking at to be part of a practical outpatient program on DBT skills ( Marsha Linehan ) . This type of therapy has been known to show great results for people living with BPD . She was hopeful and excited on the day she had a tour of the facility .
I rang he later that day to find out how it went and her thoughts on enrolling.
“Oh” she said , “ I’m not going now “ .
Disappointed I responded, “ Oh, no, why not ?” .
‘ Well, she said , her voice full of indignation , ‘ I didn’t like the way the receptionist looked at me “.
When I talk about it now with my client we laugh about it as she can recognise when she falls into her “ mind traps” and she can see the funny side and get herself out of it .
Of course, not all of us are this sensitive to perceived rejection but most of us to a degree have struggles at some time or another with feelings of not being approved of or being criticised or rejected in all of our various roles and relationships in life.
Sometimes when we are vulnerable or feeling a little bit overwhelmed or stressed then these feelings can be magnified . A lot of how we view, and handle rejection comes from the nutrient soil of our childhood and what messaging we took away about ourselves and others in the orbit we found ourselves latched to .
Here are some of the reasons we may struggle with coping and integrating rejection into our lives
Self-Worth Tied to Others’ Opinions: If you place your value in how others perceive you, rejection may feel like a direct statement about your worth.
Past Experiences: Painful rejections in the past (in relationships, family, or friendships) can make you more sensitive to similar situations.
Perfectionism: A fear of failure or imperfection can make rejection feel devastating, as though it invalidates your efforts or identity.
Attachment Style: Insecure attachment patterns from childhood may make rejection feel more threatening or personal.
Cognitive Distortions: Overgeneralizing (“This always happens to me”) or catastrophizing (“Rejection will ruin everything”) can amplify the fear.
How to Manage Rejection :
Reframe Your Perspective
View rejection as a form of redirection. Not every opportunity, relationship, or situation is meant for you.
See rejection as feedback rather than failure and look for lessons to grow.
Separate Self-Worth from Outcomes
Remind yourself that rejection doesn’t define your value—it’s often about the other person’s needs or preferences, not your flaws.
Challenge Negative Thoughts
Identify unhelpful beliefs, such as “I’ll never succeed,” and replace them with balanced ones like “This is just one instance. I’ll try again.”
Build Resilience
Engage in activities that boost confidence, like learning new skills or practicing mindfulness.
Take small, manageable risks to desensitize yourself to rejection over time.
Practice Self-Compassion
Treat yourself with kindness, as you would a friend, after experiencing rejection.
Avoid harsh self-criticism and remind yourself that everyone faces rejection at some point.
Expand Your Social Connections
Diversify your support system to reduce the emotional impact of rejection from any single person or group.
Set Realistic Expectations
Understand that rejection is a normal part of life. Not everyone or everything will align with you, and that’s okay.
Practical Exercise: Desensitize Yourself
Try small “rejection challenges,” like asking for a discount you don’t expect to get or starting a conversation with a stranger. These help you normalize rejection and realize it’s often less painful than anticipated.
Would you like to explore techniques like mindfulness or journaling to deepen your emotional processing?
If we remember that we do not have to see our minds as “ fixed “ but our mind is able to grow and learn through out our lifespan , this will help us to understand that we can make changes if we choose to, and rejection is an opportunity to learn and grow not a symbol of personal failing .