I had a client say to me the first time I met him “ Sian , I don’t know who I am ? What is my favourite food ? colour ? What am I good at ? I simply don’t know “.
He knew he was a husband, son, Dad brother and worker but who was HE ? David felt that his whole life has been a series of events that had collided in front of him , and like a whirling dervish has swept him up in its whirlwind for a period of time and then dumped him unceremoniously back onto the ground. There he was waking up and thinking to himself “ how the hell did I end up here ? “ .
Its pattern of existence that I am sure many people can relate to. Life was not something they had active agency in . It was a series of ,as Lemony Snicket, wrote “ a series of unfortunate events ‘ that had led him to the pit of life dissatisfaction he now found himself , wallowing ,stickily, in.
He had the outward trappings of life. Lovely wife, children, a beautiful home and overseas trips, but the emptiness carried him everywhere. He found himself feeling disconnected and “ meh “ about everything .
What is happening to me ? and why ?
This is where my journey with David started .
With David , I needed to start with his life trajectory, that timeline of defining moments in his life.
David had lost his Mum at an early age , had experienced child abuse as a child from another child . He became his grieving Dad’s little helper and a solid worker buddy in the family business. His Mums death , by virtue of the need for speed to forget and move on , was quickly and practically tucked away to be able to “ soldier on “ . Dad was loving but unable to give his son the needs that only a Mum could fill.
He meandered from child worker to couch surfer at 16 . His potential “ step mum “ proved to be uncaring and unable to fill that nurturing gap left by the death of his Mum. The conflict and rejection saw him move out and move around and slip seamlessly into drinking and drugs . Then it was too early parenthood, cheating girlfriend , drinking and drugs again , until he reunited with an old girlfriend . This successful reunion provided to the stability he needed , especially when it came with a mother-in-law who was just what the universe had ordered . She was amazing , caring loving , nurturing and everything he needed in surrogate Mum then…… she died ! Then as if those experiences were not enough he has a work accident and is off work for many years ! Wow!
David’s luck once again had run out. It always astonished me when the universe appears to conspire to make life a series of challenges with seemingly no ability to create the life that we need and deserve. How could he possibly feel he has any agency over his own life trajectory ?
No wonder he felt depressed and unable to feel a dep sense of joy . What if it all got taken away tomorrow ? Feeling that we cannot cr5eate change for ourselves , feeling vulnerable and powerless is the quickest way to anhedonia and depression.
It’s not what happens to us in life that determines how we feel or the direction our life takes , it’s the messagi8ng we take away about ourselves that makes the difference . David felt he was a ‘ failure “ that somehow he could not be successful and that he had no ability to be the boss of his own world. That job was left to some strange force that said “ he did not deserve to be happy “. He was just a passenger in his own life.
As Erikson ( 1968) in his stages of life theory of psychosocial development had said. If we don’t go through the 8 developmental stages of childhood and master those stages we are left lacking. Between 12 and 18 is identity forming vs role confusion stage. David did not get the chance to develop who he was because he was too stuck in his childhood grief and too busy being a child worker with his Dad. Everybody else’s needs were taken care of , but not his. No wonder he didn’t know what his favorite colour was ?
Those core messages that we take away from our experience with the world we are find ourselves planted in.
How does David, get his life between his own hands and mold it to his making ?
David has to go on a journey …………
Discovering his self-identity is a deeply personal journey that involves understanding his values, beliefs, interests, and purpose. Here’s a step-by-step guide to help you on this path:
This is what I challenged David to do …….
- Reflect on His Values and Beliefs
Ask yourself: What matters most to me?
Write down core values (e.g., honesty, family, creativity, growth).
Reflect on how his upbringing, experiences, and culture have shaped his beliefs.
- Explore His Interests and Passions
Identify activities that make you lose track of time or bring you joy.
Experiment with hobbies, creative outlets, or learning new skills.
Keep a journal of moments when you felt most alive or fulfilled.
- Understand His Strengths and Weaknesses
Take personality tests (like MBTI or Enneagram) or skills assessments.
Reflect on feedback from friends, family, or colleagues.
Acknowledge areas for growth without judgment.
- Examine His Relationships
Assess which relationships uplift and support his growth.
Identify any patterns of behaviour or roles you take in relationships.
Set boundaries to honour his sense of self.
- Connect with His Inner Voice
Practice mindfulness or meditation to tune out external noise.
Spend time alone to hear his inner thoughts and feelings.
Ask yourself: What do I really want?
- Embrace His Past and Present
Reflect on past experiences and how they’ve shaped you.
Consider both positive and challenging moments as part of his story.
Practice self-compassion and gratitude for where you are now.
- Define His Goals and Aspirations
Identify what success means to you personally.
Write down short-term and long-term goals that resonate with his authentic self.
Revisit and adjust these goals as you grow.
- Engage in New Experiences
Step out of his comfort zone to challenge preconceived notions about yourself.
Travel, volunteer, or join a new community to broaden his perspective.
Observe how new environments shape his sense of self.
- Seek Support
Engage in conversations with trusted friends or mentors who encourage self-discovery.
Join groups or forums with similar interests or values.
- Be Patient and Flexible
Understand that self-identity evolves over time.
Celebrate small milestones of clarity and growth.
Allow yourself to adapt as you encounter new experiences and insights.
Key Question to Reflect On:
This is a great question to ask yourself . If I removed external expectations (society, family, peers), who am I at my core?
Would you like to explore this further through any specific techniques, or discuss challenges you might be facing in this journey?
Through working on these important questions. I was able to assist David to find his true self , his core passions and beliefs and help him develop the life he wanted and needed to be at peace with himself and his world .