I’m so sorry this happened to you !
Counselling someone who has been sexually assaulted requires sensitivity, empathy, and a trauma-informed approach. Being trauma informed means we recognized the importance and the power that trauma has over our body and brain. Just like the alcoholic knows that the alcohol rules their DNA then so does trauma rule the body until we acknowledge its grip on our being, and we surrender to the respect and acknowledgement it deserves. When someone has been traumatized through assault it is imperative that we recognize that this person has been through something very distressing and that it has left a giant imprint on their sense of self and their sense of wellbeing and safety in the world. How we re4spond when someone has been assaulted can have a huge impact on their recovery and healing journey so it’s important we are trauma informed so that we can be the safety net they can fall into if needed . We all will encounter someone who has been assaulted . Unfortunately, over one in 3 girls will experience abuse during their life and assault is often part of this tapestry .
So what does a trauma informed response look like ? Its actually quite simple when you boil it down to its essence , its being present , staying calm , showing empathy , love , care and concern. We put the victim , now survivor, at the center of this world. They are the expert here ; they drive the bus . We listen , and listen and listen and we create a nurturing sacred space for pain , exploration , love , acceptance and a safe haven
Recognizing that the power that is trauma creates a life of its own , shape shifting and undulating as we move through with it, attached to our every thought , every emotion, every feeling , every dream and every nightmare . The person has no control of its manifestations , until they rear and are here ! , showing their rigorous destructive faces , causing havoc , anger , tears , withdrawal , shame , shut down, and dysfunction .
Historically women who were sexually assaulted were not given the time and space to explore their feelings and the impact the sexual assault had on their life. It was shoved under the carpet, thrown out with the trash , wiped away with a quick cup of tea and hushed tones. Don’t report it , it won’t get you anywhere but the blame game . And you WILL lose.
It can take just one sexual assault to render a person, helpless, vulnerable and scared . This can see a sexual assault victim , stay in that mind set even when they are safe , its years later and they “ should have moved on “ . There is a book called The Body Keeps The Score by Bessel Von Kolk . In this seminal work , Van Kolk describes how our bodies need to adapt to the stain of the trauma on the soul and learn how to carry it. You may not think about it every day , but you body houses it , like a dormant virus, it sits waiting to bubble up take over you when it feels you have no armor or agency .
Unfortunately, many of us were not in a position to talk about what happened to us , let alone process that experience and so it sits , festering , metastasizing through our body , bringing with it years of wasted time keeping the beats at bay with alcohol , drugs or other maladaptive distractions . But only for so long…
People say “ but I don’t want to talk about it “. Yes that’s true bringing those pictorial , auditory, kinetic , and olfactory demons back to life cause more pain , to rub the tender red wound that only has a paper-thin crust over the top. But what of the consequences of that ? Not talking about it brings other more ferocious hungry demons , and they can cause even more damage to the heart, mind, and soul. Some therapist and traumatized victims say that talking it through will re awaken the trauma and the emotional pain, but there is a fine balance to be found, between processing and retraumatizing and the sweet spot in-between when hit , at the right time, in the right doses, can be healing .
If the event still follows you like an ugly shadow that refuses to be extinguished when it hits the light of day , that’s a sign.. you will know it in your body , it always knows and will tell you clearly if you listen to its whispers …
What can I do to help someone who has been sexually assaulted ?
Safety is key. If someone tells you hey have been sexually assaulted,. The first thing to work on is making sure that person is now safe. They will be unable to work on anything else until they feel safe. Maslow’s hierarchy of needs tells us that without safety we can do little else above that . Below is water food and shelter. We cannot work to until we are safe .
Confirm the person is physically safe and not in immediate danger. If they are in danger, assist them in finding a safe place or contacting authorities.
Medical attention is imperative. We live in a world where most sexual assaults are not reported and less that 1% get to trial and conviction. Evidence is key. Hospitals and doctors surgeries have rape kits . They may also need medical care Ensure that the person who has been assaulted is pointed in that direction. At the time they may well be so over wrought that they cannot think clearly in that moment , so being the wise mind at that time is s a guiding light
Listen Without Judgment. Provide a safe space: Let them share as much or as little as they want. Believe them: Express that you believe them and validate their experience. Avoid skepticism or minimizing their feelings.
Avoid “why” questions: Don’t ask questions that might feel accusatory, like “Why didn’t you fight back?” Instead, focus on understanding their needs.
We never really know prior to an assault how we might respond. Some people may go into flight mode , some may go into flight , others may freeze. Freeze is a trauma response when a person does not feel powerful enough to overcome or get away from what is happening to them , they freeze to dissociate themselves . Their mind leaves their body to separate themselves from what is happening to their body so that they can handle the experience and keep functioning . Its our brains way of keeping us alive and moving forward . very clever eh ? However, its not a great coping mechanism as they body will still experience negative sensations and symptoms when triggered int eh future . Unless we process the trauma and heal.
Acknowledge their emotions, normalize their feelings: Reassure them that their reactions—fear, anger, shame, confusion—are normal. This is a terrible thing to happen to them , but they are not broken and do not have to be defined by it .
Empathy ; Reflect their emotions without imposing your interpretations. Its always a good idea to check in with them , that you have got it right e.g. Did I hear that right ?”
Support, Don’t Take Over Empower them: Let them make decisions about what to do next. This restores a sense of control, which is often lost during an assault.
Provide options: Share resources for professional counselling, hotlines, or legal advice, but avoid pressuring them to act immediately. This has to be their decision , irrespective of how mad you are about it ( and of course you have every right to be ) . Just accepting and processing the fact that it happened takes time and courage . This process must not be hurried
Trauma-specialized professionals: Encourage them to speak to therapists or counsellors trained in sexual trauma.
Respect their privacy and keep the disclosure confidential: Keep what they share private unless they are at risk of harming themselves or others.
Avoid unsolicited advice: Focus on their needs rather than your opinions.
Recognize your limits ,know your role: You can support them emotionally but are not a substitute for professional help.
Self-care: Supporting someone through trauma can be draining. Take care of your emotional health as well.
Trauma-Informed Phrases You Can Use:
– “I’m so sorry this happened to you.”
– “Thank you for trusting me with this.”
– “Your feelings are completely valid.”
– “You’re not alone, and I’m here for you.”
If you’re providing ongoing support, consider professional training in trauma-informed counselling techniques. They are quite simple strategies , and are a great tool to have up your sleeve if you find yourself engaged with someone who has been assaulted .
Hotlines and support groups**: Share trusted resources, such as:
RAINN (National Sexual Assault Hotline)**: 1-800-656-HOPE (4673)
Local advocacy groups**: Look for organizations specializing in sexual assault support.