Help we are fighting over our in-laws !
Dealing with over-involved parents can be challenging, especially when trying to set boundaries while still preserving a positive family relationship. Here are some approaches that might help you and your partner manage this dynamic effectively:
1. Communicate as a Team
Remember that your created family is sacrosanct ! What gets discussed in that family stays in the family !
- Sit down with your partner to discuss specific issues you’re both facing with your parents’ involvement. Define boundaries together, so you’re both on the same page and have each other’s support.
- Agree on what matters are private between the two of you and what you’re comfortable sharing with parents. This helps avoid misunderstandings and shows a unified front when boundaries are challenged.
2. Set Clear, Respectful Boundaries
First and foremost – as a general rule …..
Husbands should deal with their family . Wives should deal with their family : They already have an established dynamic and know how to navigate and communicate most effectively with their own family.
- Politely but firmly let your parents know what they’re welcome to be involved in and where you’d like some space. Boundaries could include how often they can visit, what decisions they’re allowed to weigh in on, or how often they check in on you.
- Example: “We appreciate your input, but we’d like to try making this decision on our own.”
3. Practice Consistent Responses
- Being consistent reinforces boundaries and shows that they aren’t just spur-of-the-moment rules. If a parent tries to overstep, kindly but firmly respond the same way each time to reinforce your expectations.
- Consistency helps parents understand that your limits are permanent, not negotiable.
4. Stay Calm and Patient
Dont go “fishing ” for meaning over every little thing your in law does or doesn’t do through your partner. this causes stress for your partner . They will feel like ” piggy in the middle for starters and it causes too much room for lost in translation or worse ” Chinese whispers ‘ playing out .
- Over-involvement is often rooted in love and concern. Recognizing this can help you approach conversations calmly and patiently, reducing the likelihood of tension or arguments.
- Avoid sounding defensive or confrontational, as this can help them feel less threatened by your boundaries.
5. Express Appreciation for Their Support
Don’t forget Grandparents generally want to love and be involved with their grandchildren very very much ! They also want to know they are doing a great job !
- Acknowledge the value of their involvement, even if it sometimes feels overwhelming. Expressing appreciation helps them feel respected and heard, making them more likely to respect your needs.
- Saying something like, “We know you want the best for us, and we appreciate it. Here’s what would help us most right now…” can soften the impact of a boundary-setting conversation.
6. Decide on What to Share and What Not to Share.
Don’t side with your parent over criticism of your spouse ! Its a recipe for disaster ! Its important that you stay neutral or side with your spouse , when your Mum or Dad express annoyance and that you make it clear its not ok to criticize the person you married. . Its disrespectful to you and your partner and causes stress and instability in your marriage as well as you feeling its your responsibility to fix things . If your spouse has an open relationship with your parent , get them to directly ask them . This stops confusion and mis understanding of the facts and the motives, which can grow legs and explode on you !
- The less you share about certain aspects of your life, the less chance there is for over-involvement. For example, you can limit sharing specific details about finances, relationship issues, or parenting choices.
- Keep conversations general if you know a particular topic might trigger over-involvement.
7. Be Patient with the Process
- Changing family dynamics takes time, especially if parents are used to a high level of involvement. It may take several conversations, consistency, and patience for boundaries to become the new norm.
8. Allow Some Space for Compromise
- Find areas where you can allow some level of involvement without feeling that your independence is compromised. This way, they feel connected, and you maintain control over your life.
- For instance, you could invite them over for a set family dinner every few weeks or allow them to weigh in on certain topics that aren’t as sensitive for you.
Remember, boundary-setting is a skill that takes time to learn and practice, especially with family. By being kind but assertive, you can find a balance that works for everyone involved.
Happy families !