How does toxic guilt how up in my life ?

I had a client come to me with a list of deaths in his circle attributed  to cancer including his own diagnosis a few years ago. Thankfully he is in remission . We wrote a timeline together and mapped out the considerable losses . This picture laid out in front of him  was a stark visual realisation that “shit yeah my losses have been huge !”

Ben ( not his real name ) was wondering why he felt so sad all the time and that he had had an affair with someone at work a few years back from which he and his wife were slowly recovering from . He said he was snappy , impulsive forgetful and unable to control his temper . he knew he needed counselling but did not really know what for .

We delved deep into his background and started to process his losses , starting with his Mum when he was 5 years old .  Through his tears and his narrative there emerged a number of comments regarding guilt . His guilt at not being “ sad enough “ as a child , that he had inadvertently cause his mother’s death . That he had not been kind enough to his new stepmother . That when his friend was in hospital dying from cancer he was not there for her as he felt scared to confront the pain of loss again. It was too raw and challenging . When he did see her eventually he felt that his responses to her were inadequate and les than supportive. This stayed with him and compounded his guilt.

It created for me   a deeper insight into the reason that he was still struggling to be happy and was self-sabotaging with his relationships was because of toxic guilt and the way it had woven its  tentacles through his world , leaving him angry and blocked .

Toxic guilt in the context of loss ,  is when we see ourselves as the driver behind the losses in our life. That had we done something different , been something different , that person would not have died . It’s not the kind of guilt that is rational or logical or even justified. Justified guilt is  when we have made a mistake , like drink driving that causes a death or we steal from someone we care about. That kind of guilt is meant to nudge our conscience ,our moral , ethical side to say “ that was wrong, and it is your responsibility to  repair and make amends .  This guilt is insidious and  poisonous . It gets under our skin and steals our self-worth and our ability to feel joy.

Toxic guilt is an unhealthy, excessive, and persistent feeling of guilt that goes beyond a normal response to doing something wrong. It often stems from external pressure, manipulation, or deeply ingrained beliefs that you’re responsible for things you can’t control or that you’re always at fault, even when you’re not.

Here are key characteristics of toxic guilt:

1. Disproportionate: The level of guilt you feel doesn’t match the actual situation. For example, you might feel overwhelming guilt over a small mistake or something outside your control.
2. Long-lasting: Toxic guilt lingers and can last for a long time, even after the situation has been resolved or no longer matters.
3. Manipulative origins: Often, toxic guilt is planted by someone else (such as a manipulative parent, partner, or authority figure) to make you feel responsible for their emotions or actions. This can occur in emotionally abusive relationships.
4. Self-critical: Instead of prompting positive change or growth, toxic guilt fuels self-blame, self-criticism, and feelings of inadequacy. You may feel like you’re never good enough, even when you’re doing your best.
5. Unrealistic standards: You may hold yourself to impossible or unfair standards and feel guilty when you can’t meet them, even though others wouldn’t expect the same from you.
6. Inhibits personal growth: Toxic guilt can stop you from making decisions that are good for you, such as setting boundaries, pursuing your passions, or practicing self-care, because you feel undeserving or fearful of hurting others.

Unlike healthy guilt, which helps us reflect on mistakes and improve, toxic guilt can trap you in a cycle of self-blame and keep you from moving forward.

In what situations do you feel like toxic guilt might be affecting you the most?

 

Toxic guilt often shows up in ways that affect your emotions, decisions, and relationships. Here’s how it might manifest in your life:

1. Constant self-blame: You may find yourself taking the blame for things that aren’t your fault, or feeling responsible for other people’s emotions and problems, even when they aren’t within your control.
2. Difficulty setting boundaries: You might struggle to say “no” or set limits with others, fearing that doing so would make you seem selfish or uncaring. This can lead to resentment and burnout.
3. Feeling unworthy or inadequate: Toxic guilt can make you feel like you’re not good enough, even when you’re doing your best. This may result in constant second-guessing or self-criticism.
4. Overcompensating: You might go out of your way to please others or fix situations, trying to make up for something you feel guilty about, even if it’s a minor issue or out of your control.
5. Fear of conflict: You may avoid difficult conversations or situations that could lead to disagreements because you fear being blamed or making others upset.
6. Negative impact on self-care: Feeling guilty for taking time for yourself or pursuing your own needs can prevent you from engaging in self-care or prioritizing your mental and physical well-being.
7. Difficulty enjoying positive experiences: Toxic guilt can prevent you from fully enjoying moments of happiness or success because you feel undeserving, or because you’re preoccupied with guilt about other things.

Does any of this resonate with you? It’s common to feel overwhelmed by toxic guilt, especially if it’s been ingrained through past experiences or relationships, such as emotional abuse from a parent.

My work with Ben , was being able to let him see that  this guilt over his previous losses that he had no control over had embedded in his DNA and by changing his core beliefs about himself in relation to these traumatic experiences he could free himself up to work on his relationship with his wife and children and improve  his self esteem and level of  connection to his world .