He looked at me blankly and shouted. “ I have no bloody idea what you are talking about , but I just want you to listen and understand me !”
This seemingly ordinary commonplace statement was a catalyst for me . Instead of jumping back into self defence mode , all of my armour prepped for warfare as it usually was, barely listening after “I just want you to listen….” I stopped dead in my tracks. I felt like a flash light had just flashed directly into my face and IT yelled at me ‘ SIT THE F DOWN AND REALLY HEAR THIS “.
So I did for the first time in years ….
When I first started learning about counselling, I had not heard of Gottmann but when I did read up on his work with his therapist wife I was mightily impressed with his knowledge and the tools they had developed in their practice to support couples back to a healthy partnership or marriage.
When my husband and I were going through a rough patch , Gottmann served as a signpost for me to look more into myself and my reactions and responses that were not helpful. In fact they were often toxic adding insult to injury for an already unstable connection. I felt we were drowning some days and had to do some solid research and work on myself to find a better way of communicating .A way that did not leave us both dissatisfied and frustrated . We had reached an impasse at one stage and I feared we would have to part. Not from lack of love but lack of ability to navigate our differences and find common ground to deal with the usual ups and downs of life.
Gottman’s theory is that , there a few sure signs a relationship is heading for Doom’s Day if it contains the 4 facets that I will explain in more detail. Gottmann and his wife have pages of information on his theories and techniques that you can look up .There is even a 400 odd questionnaire that you can fill in if you are really keen . Ive had some couples in therapy with me who have used it and found it beneficial if not an awakening to clarity around the quality of their relationship and whether is it indeed worth salvaging .
John Gottman’s research has led to the development of several techniques and principles that can help strengthen marriages and improve communication. Here are some key Gottman techniques you can use in your marriage:
. The Four Horsemen and Their Antidotes
Gottman identified four negative communication patterns, known as “The Four Horsemen”, that can damage relationships.
These are:
– **Antidote:** Use gentle start-up. Complain without blame, and use “I” statements to express your feelings and needs. If you start a conversation with
‘ You always …..”
“You do this to me …”
“ You never ….”.
These are called “hard startups” of a conversation and immediately it sets the tone for the conversation that comes after it. You will find that the other person immediately get their heckles up and the temperature goes up a few degrees in their heads ! You have just about lost before you have begun, and the person becomes defensive. Most of us do this because with parents ,siblings and at school we had to be ready to defend ourselves if we reacted in a negative or destructive way in response to being bullied, told off or abused. Its almost a knee jerk reaction and very inflammatory .
‘They started it “ so the immediate reaction would be to stick up for ourselves to stay safe and to protect ourselves from the consequences . Of course, our response was not always in proportion to the interaction, but we rarely take an objective look at the altercation or situation when we are reacting in it. Instead, we minimise or ignore what we did and only focus on how we were wronged and what they should have done to not make us triggered.
So, we have to be smart and strategic in a situation where we want to be heard and listened to and we want support for they way we feel. A “soft start up” like
“ I feel hurt and disappointed when you don’t ask me to join you on the weekend when you go for a walk “.
Or “ I feel disregarded and unimportant when you don’t call to say you are going to be late .
OR ‘ I feel my time and efforts are disrespected when you don’t eat the meal that I cooked.
You see how direct these are . They not only focus on you , your feelings, but they also are very explicit about what they do that hurts and why. People are not psychic and sometimes we need to tell them what we need and spell it out even in some cases. We need to start asking more for what we want and how we want it rather than just complaining about what our partner does not do that is important to us.
- Contempt: Disrespect, mocking, or belittling your partner.
– **Antidote:** Build a culture of appreciation and respect. Express appreciation and gratitude regularly.
When you start a culture of ridicule for laughs in your family it can become a habit. It can be incredibly hurtful and whittle away at someone’s self-esteem as well as building resentment and disrespect. Its a cheap form of humour and it rarely has benefits besides making the person who is saying those things feel “ falsely superior “ to the person they are putting down. This happens A LOT in schools . I suspect that bullying at home leads kids to enter the playground and try to regain come respect and control and therefore self-worth by treating others the way they are being treated at home.
Bullying can and does kill .Let’s not forget the damage across time to self-identity and self-worth that a bullying environment can create.
Its where we learn to do this , but when we are in a partnership and we start to feel unsafe or disrespected , it is easy to default back to these sorts of ways of keeping ourselves safe and using this as a self defence mechanism . I will get you before you get me !!
Marriages where this becomes a feature is destined for the recycle bin and if the individual does not reflect on what and how this marriage went wrong they are doomed to recycle it in the next relationship once the warm fuzzy intoxication of new love has worn off.
We ALL put our best self forward when we start a new relationship, but many of us forget that keeping up those wonderful qualities we demonstrated at the start is vital to keep the relationship healthy . We need to know what we bought is still there !
- Defensiveness: Self-protection through righteous indignation or playing the victim.
– **Antidote:** Take responsibility. Accept your partner’s perspective and apologize for your role in the conflict.
If you are always right , then sorry dude but you are likely to be dumped eventually. Unless you have a partner who is willing to overlook and give in all the time then I will say you will probably find yourself back on the shelf.
I’ve noticed anecdotally that men tend to be a little more giving in this area as long as the sex is still good LOL they are often able to forgo a bit of equality here .As the saying goes “ happy wife , happy life “. Men can sometimes be a little more flexible and will avoid the unnecessary drama by pushing to “win “ at all costs .
It’s not a recipe for an egalitarian relationship though. Nobody likes a “ know- it- all” and being always right wears very thin after a while as the person, if they have enough ego strength will not put up with it across time . They lose respect for their partner, and they run the risk of the relationship dying . Once he finds a woman who is willing and able and ready to say sorry and admit she is wrong as well as good sex , well then he’s more likely to be out the door LOL . Bonus !!!
- Stonewalling: Withdrawing from interaction and shutting down.
– **Antidote:** Practice physiological self-soothing. Take a break and calm down before returning to the conversation.
My husband is good at this one. While not actively ignoring me , he will be ever so polite to me but give me his “ basic self “. Meaning that there is no warm interactions or light hearted banter.
I always know I’ve pissed him off when this happens and so I generally wait for him to process what we have argued about and then I usually instigate the repair of the rupture. This in of itself annoys me , but I remember DR Phil (shssh don’t tell anyone) said once that someone has to be the hero in the relationship and that is me usually . Although I have gone a few days when I’m feeling particularly stubborn or self righteous or both !
When the fight starts to get heated its best to say
“Time out let’s revisit this when we have calmed down “
“ I’m going to take a break, lets discuss this later. “
“ I need some time I will come back to you :.
- Building a Love Map
Love maps refer to the part of your brain where you store all the relevant information about your partner’s life. Take time to learn about your partner’s world by asking open-ended questions and showing genuine interest in their thoughts, feelings, and experiences.
Its taken me 25 years but I would say I know a lot of what my husband’s interests are and how he thinks about life . This is an ongoing process for both of you . The more you know the better. They will feel loved and valued if you ask questions that really dig into who they are and how they see the world. We don’t get to know people enough in society really, we spend most of our conversations with others , talking about ourselves , making comparisons and one up man ship. Whilst not necessarily rude or worth less , it helps to build rapport ,but, it is not as enjoyable or as seductive as having someone ask about our life and be genuinely interested . It makes us feel good about ourselves and helps us to feel wanted and important .
- Fondness and Admiration
Express fondness and admiration for your partner regularly. This can be through compliments, expressing appreciation, and recounting positive memories. These positive interactions help build a strong emotional connection.
- Turning Toward Instead of Away
Be responsive to your partner’s bids for connection. These bids can be small gestures like a smile, a touch, or a comment. Turning toward these bids instead of ignoring them helps strengthen your bond. It important when resolving conflict that there is no lingering resentment as this can lead to withholding of bids for connection. This has a knock-on effect . If you start to become resentful and pull away then your partner will probably do the same and we end up with a Mexican standoff . This is a recipe for disaster and blame.
Conversely the opposite is true and you can teach your partner how to treat you by demonstrating and role modelling , how to forgive and forget . What you give out in positive gestures will come back to you if you keep at it.
- The Positive Perspective
Cultivate a positive perspective in your relationship by focusing on the good aspects and working on building positive interactions. This creates a buffer against negative experiences.
We have an emotional bank if that gets filled daily with deposits such as warmth, laughter , bids for connection . kind words , gestures and affection then when there are occasional “ withdrawals “ in the form of anger or irritation from that emotional bank, the relationship is buffered. It can withstand the small rupture as its strong and resilient and healthy . It is only when there are too many negative interactions that then take over the flavour and toxify the relationship and any small bid for connection has little positive influence. Its drowned out by the negativity .
- Managing Conflict
Effective conflict management involves:
– Soft Start-Up: Begin conversations about issues gently and without blame.
– Repair Attempts: Use humour, affection, or a kind word to defuse tension during conflicts.
– Self-Soothing: Take breaks if conversations get too heated and come back when both are calmer.
– Compromise: Find solutions that work for both partners and be willing to meet halfway.
My husband and I started to laugh at each other’s short comings and even laugh at our own. This helped to defuse a lot of the tension before the conflict became worse. Accepting each other’s limitations was a huge learning curve for me.
- Creating Shared Meaning
Build a sense of shared purpose and meaning in your relationship. Create rituals, traditions, and shared goals that bring you closer together and give your relationship deeper significance. Celebrating milestones is important . Anniversaries , achievements , birthdays, Mother Day , Father’s Day , Easter and Christmas are all windows of opportunity to show the appreciation you have for your partner . Or just do it on any random day !
- Trust and Commitment
Foster trust by consistently acting in ways that show you are reliable, honest, and looking out for each other’s best interests. Demonstrating commitment involves showing that you are dedicated to your partner and the relationship.
Relationships change over the years, while you might not have the mad intoxicating feelings that you had at the start of your relationship it will mellow and grow into something far more substantial and deeper and formidable . It has its own magic. Different but just as wonderful and meaningful .
Incorporating these techniques into your daily interactions can help build a stronger, more resilient marriage.