My daughter said to me a few months ago , “ Hey Mum have you heard of the 5 love languages ?” I had no idea what she was referring to and was quite pleased that once again my beautiful smart girl could educate me on something new in positive psychology . I immediately hung up and did a Doctor Google .I’m always looking for good ideas for simple easy to digest blog tips . This one sounded very interesting to me , and in terms of the marriage counselling space it could be a great adjunct to the strategies that are useful in bringing troubled relationships back to a healthy shape .
Luckily, from my reading on “Love Languages” this fabulous relationship First Aid requires no medication, and from what I discovered it can certainly help us to come to a better place in our romantic relationships, when they have gone off track a little.
Its so easy when we first fall in love to keep show our best sides. To be the best version of ourselves when we are wooing and trying to make an impression . But how many of really take that through to our long-term love relationships . I have couples coming to therapy who tell me that at the start of their relationship there was so many “ bids for connection’ as they are termed by the gurus of love match , The Gottman’s. The Gottmans are psychologists who studied what makes a relationship stay strong through the trials and tribulations of life and they have made a success of helping many a couple weather then storm that is a long term marriage . Those bids happened often and cradles them in that giddy endorphin filles space that is falling in love “. Once the relationship settles down across time this tends to wain for some couples, they start to take each other for granted and they forget why and how they first got together . We then tend to neglect what really needs to be injected regularly into our connection to keep it a live and kicking across time .
Love Pollination
Love Languages can help us and its quite a simple equation when we look at it . the ability for a relationship to continue is dependent upon it meeting the needs of both people who are in it. A kind of cross pollination . Without both parties being actively engaged in this process , the resentments will creep in and erode away at the love and good feeling we have for our partner .
The concept of “love languages” is derived from Dr. Gary Chapman’s book “The Five Love Languages,” which identifies different ways people give and receive love. Over time, the idea has evolved, and some sources discuss additional languages, making a list of seven.
Here are the seven love languages commonly referred to:
Words of Affirmation: Expressing love through spoken words, praise, or appreciation.
I love this one , it’s something I’ve always craved as a person . Being praised brings me a lot of validation and I find it fuels my energy and my motivation.
Acts of Service: Showing love by doing things for your partner, like chores or tasks. My husband loves to be cooked a well thought through meal . If I cook something new and go to a lot of trouble with flavours and texture he feels very loved .
Receiving Gifts: Giving or receiving gifts as a symbol of love and thoughtfulness. Not only do the love languages apply to couples , but they also apply to other people in our life too and the way they demonstrate their love for family and friends My mother-in-law for example shows her love for people with gifts and has given me some very beautiful, cherished gifts over the years
Many of my female clients say that a bunch of flowers or a small box of chocolates from their hubby is very important to them .
Quality Time: Spending meaningful time together and giving undivided attention. I think whatever your preferred love language this is a must in any relationship to a degree as what is more important than spending some quality time together and focussing on your partner , even if its laughing at funny memes on Instagram together .
Physical Touch: Expressing love through physical contact like hugs, kisses, and cuddling.
Acts of Kindness: Small acts that demonstrate care and consideration, often spontaneous and thoughtful gestures. I get quite happy when my son makes me a cup of tea without me asking for example . My son loves it if I do some research for him for his ongoing education and qualifications, or cooks him his favourite dinner carbonara ,
Shared Experiences: Creating and cherishing shared moments and memories together, often through activities or adventures. This can be a difficult one if your interests are very different . My husband and I like very different movie genres so finding a movie on Netflix we can both enjoy is a labour of love in of itself LOL . He likes violent gory , SCFI ,Tarantino style end- of- the -world type movies . I like the more humanistic, relationship style movies We usually go for something that is Dystopian but has a human element to it as a compromise . So, finding common ground and working from that can work .
Understanding your and your partner’s primary love languages can help improve communication and strengthen your relationship.
We don’t have to be perfect at this and like everything practise makes perfect and even showing we are making that effort , is in of itself a sign to our partner that we truly care and want to make our partner happy.
It’s important to not assume that our partners should “tune in” and see what we need. They are not psychic , and we need to make sure that we are vocal and explicit about what we need to feel loved , respected, and appreciated . And we need to encourage them to do the same with us. Sometimes resentments build up as one withdraws and becomes annoyed and resentful that their needs are not being met , the other will often feel the same and withdraw too . This leaves the relationship in a Mexican stand off and can only become very destructive feedback loop .
Some one has to break the cycle; someone has to be the hero in the relationship . Rather than waiting for our partner to do it , perhaps we should step up and be that hero. In the end whoever is first , its still a win win for us both . And that can only be good right ?
