I had a friend tell me last year after her husband died, that she spoke to a woman who asked her how she was. She replied “devastated “. To which the woman said “I know how you feel, I felt like that when my dog died “.

Get over yourself !

My friend was a primary school teacher and she had heard through the Principal that parents had been complaining about why she had had, so much bereavement leave and when was she coming back?
I also remember a staff member at the school I was working at once commented that one of my staff who had lost her mum, had been given a lot of unpaid leave and when was she planning on coming back? The role was easily replaced by another staff member, and it was a casual position, so it struck me as odd that this worker would feel the need to firstly, comment on the length of her grieving period, but why it mattered to her? Its as if we attach some kind of moral judgment on those who experience emotional pain and do not bounce back in the length of time that we deem “acceptable”.
I was gobsmacked. It never occurred to me that someone would actually SAY these things to or about a grieving person. I realise that people can be insensitive which is normal when you have not experienced grief, but the lack of compassion, criticism and care just blew me away! Also, comparing their grief to a different situation, especially one that may seem less significant, can invalidate their emotions, and make them feel misunderstood.

 

I have encountered all manner of expressions I my time as a counsellor and I have experienced a number of comments that people really could avoid using when trying to comfort or support someone who is grieving.

 

Here are some pearlers that have seen my cortisol level rise just a little LOL.

 

The first one is the one mentioned above, I know how you feel….” While you may have experienced loss before, each person’s grief is unique. It’s best not to assume that you understand exactly what they’re going through.

Then there is that oh so heavily laden “You should be over it by now.” Not only is it insensitive, its judgmental and clinically incorrect. Grief doesn’t have a set timeline, and everyone heals at their own pace. Pressuring someone to move on can be hurtful and dismissive of their emotions.

This is one really gets stuck in my therapeutic craw, “They’re in a better place.”  Really ? I’m not being dismissive of religion here, as I think believing in a heaven for your loved one or they believing they will go to heaven when they die, can be very comforting, but if you are not religious and someone says this to you, it can feel insulting. And to someone who does believe in God, it still may be cold comfort! Their better place is surely on earth with them, not where they cannot be with them! While this sentiment may come from a good place, it can minimize the person’s pain and make them feel invalidated. Instead, offer your condolences and support.

 

“At least they lived a long life.” Especially when it happens to someone who is much older when they pass and had a productive and successful life. The length or success of someone’s life doesn’t diminish the pain of losing them. Focusing on the positive aspects of their life can unintentionally dismiss the griever’s emotions.

“It’s time to be strong.” What an absolute gem of a suggestion! Not! Encouraging someone to be strong might imply that expressing their grief is a sign of weakness. Allow them to be vulnerable and process their emotions in their own way. Who is this directive benefiting, you or them?

 

“You’ll find someone else.” Trying to offer the possibility of replacement after loss minimizes and disrespects the uniqueness of that relationship and that cherished loved one. It assumes that the loss of the loved one, simply means loneliness for the person left behind and not the absence of that particular person from their life. it’s not helpful to suggest that they can simply replace that person. No loved person can be replaced. Instead, offer empathy and let them know you’re there to support them.

 

“Everything happens for a reason.” Well, no it doesn’t. God or the universe did not scheme and map out some pre-ordained life pathway for your poor unfortunate loved one. Children do not die of cancer because it is God’s will. God would never be so cruel. This statement may be meant to provide comfort or make sense of the loss and reinforce your belief or their belief that you will be reunited, but it can be perceived as dismissive or insensitive. Grief can be complex and trying to find a reason can be unhelpful.

 

“Don’t cry” or “Be strong for others.” Since when is shedding tears a sign of being weak? And why do I have to worry about taking care of other peoples’ emotions when I have just experienced a life changing event? Tears are a way to purge the pain and crying can be part of the recovery and restorative cycle. The build-up of the emotions in grief can be cyclical, it can happen like a wave and the crashing and release is the moment that that pain decreases in intensity after a good solid body wrench. Its cathartic. We have some emotional pain relief temporarily, and the release of endorphins and oxytocin that come with a strong outpouring, gives us a sense of calm afterwards.

 

Crying is a natural response to grief, and it’s essential to allow the person to express their emotions. Encouraging them to suppress their tears or be strong for others can be damaging. Its not about our inability to watch the pain and cope with their tears, it’s about their ability to release it in a healthy and safe way.

 

“You should get over it soon for the sake of your children.” While caring for children is important, it’s not helpful to pressure someone to suppress their grief for the sake of others. This will add to the burden of responsibility for the wellbeing of their children and can make parents feel guilty and inadequate on top of their grief. Thus, they may feel stuck. They need to process their emotions to heal properly.

 

What can you do?

 

Its best to offer your condolences, listen attentively, and provide support. When they tell you how much they are in a pain, validate that, reflect back their feelings and their sense of loss. Asking them if they just want company can help.

Let the grieving person know that you’re there for them and that you’re willing to listen without judgment or expectation.

Just sit and listen and hug them, touch their hand if they need it.

Bake them a cake, make them a meal, go for a walk or a swim with them.

Check in on them regularly. Suggest things you can do together when they are up to it.

Asking the person about their good memories of that person can help, but usually this is later in their recovery, not in the immediate aftermath when they are still reeling from the shock. They need time to process before that.

 

Help them to memorialize the person in some way. A garden, a tree planted, a name plaque. A book of photos and memories. I had one teenage book who was great at video technology and so he edited together photos and videos of his mum who had passed when he was 5 with the soundtrack to “Walking in a Straight Line “by Silver chair. This was his Mum’s favourite song. He presented it to his dad who loved it.
I remember when Brett Whitley’s wife Wendy lost both Brett and her daughter Arkie to cancer, she started to garden a neglected patch of land at the bottom of her house. https://www.wendyssecretgarden.org.au/

 

It’s still there today and was a labour of love and grief, a tribute to her loved ones and the beauty of life and loss.

 

Watch and be mindful of your own wellbeing. Its important that you have time away from the grieving person so that you can restore and come back to them refreshed and ready to listen again.

 

Grief is a necessary part of living and to love means to grieve. We have to walk through the core of it to heal and come out the other side. There is no way around it. Let it take its natural organic journey with your griever and stay connected to them.