Trapped down a mind shaft ?

Have you ever had a job and felt you were not as qualified as everyone else around you ? Did you feel like an imposter? I remember the famous actor Demi Moore saying that all through her career she felt that she was just waiting to be called out , that she was not good enough to be in the orbit of people like Rob Lowe or Patrick Swayze. Soon they would see she was a fake and that would be it no more work or worse banished for being a liar and a cheat. Wow what a way to live your incredibly exciting and interesting life !

Often we grow through our lives wondering why we feel that way but never really knowing where those thoughts came from ? How did they grow? We had a nice enough childhood, no physical or psychological abuse right ? Mum may have threatened us with the Welsh spoon hung on the kitchen wall and Dad might have given us a smack when we flooded the bathroom after telling us not to flush the toilet, but most kids were spanked in the 60s and 70s and still believe that the odd smack is still the  order of the day . Not that I think its useful tool. I remember resorting to smacking my daughter at 8 lightly on the butt when she was being a douche bag, once , she promptly smacked me back LOL  . What we don’t realise is that we take in many messages from our environment when we are children. Those messages come from the micro interactions with others in our life as well as the world we live in. Years ago it was school, radio, magazines, newspapers television . Today its social media and the that global behemoth the internet  as well. In fact I don’t think I ever realised how many people did not agree with my views or were so critical of others until facebook happened LOL

We are bombarded with information that we digest and from this raw data we create a self-identity and a picture of what we are and who we don’t want to be. We can so easily default to the negative learnings and take aways while the positives can be drowned in or dissolved by the negative soup we slurp everyday . Sometime the outcomes of those negative interactions lie there fermenting for years until we hit puberty , that’s when we see the work of many years of both positive and negative influence , coming to a head and we start to see the symptoms . The outcomes of years of either thriving or just surviving or sometimes a bit of both . Many a parent bring their teen to me saying he just became difficult , troublesome , or a problem when he turned 13 . What happened ? Did this come out of no where ?

 

Anybody heard the term, Cognitive Distortions before? It sounds like a bit of a mouthful but all it really means is that we have patterns of thinking that developed when we were children . From our experiences we take away message or CORE  beliefs about our selves that can be quite rigid and critical . Especially if they have been frequent negative experiences or interactions with others They can become a mental prison from which we can keep ourselves safe, but not flourishing in our environment .

These cognitive distortions are akin to “Mind Traps” keeping us from fulfilling our dreams and goals and desires . Why bother when we are  destined to fail anyway ?

A core belief may be something like , 

 “I am from a poor family I cant go to University “.

‘I am Autistic therefore I cannot become a Teacher “.

“I am lazy and stupid, I will never be successful”.

“ I am not good enough at sport to play basket ball at an elite level “ . 

This “mind trapping”, has a number of building blocks that create the perfect environment for negative self-talk , leading to crippling core beliefs , that are unhelpful at least and completely paralysing at their most powerful.

Here are a number of mind traps that we fall into that create the perfect storm of  fear and then inertia .

 

Mind Reading – This is when we assume what someone is thinking without any evidence . e.g., I did not get that promotion therefore my coach does not like me “

Jumping to conclusions –  Thinking you can predict the future .  If I go to that party I will be laughed at .

“Shoulds” big problem! I call this one the “Military Sergeant” in our head telling us what we should be doing all the time but there is no logical reason why it needs to be done then and there or what we could have done better in the past.

All or Nothing thinking. This is black and white thinking. Something is either good or bad and I have to make a decision based on that premise. Someone annoys me , thus they can no longer be my friend.

Personalisation – When you see what people do or say as being about you. E.g., They left the party because they thought I was boring.

Labelling – I am a loser because I failed the test.

Unfair comparisons – Placing unrealistic expectations on the self. “He is better at school than me therefore he will be successful and I won’t be” .

Catastrophising –Thinking of the worst possible outcome. If I don’t get this grade I will never get into college.

Discounting the positives – Not seeing your value. E.g., “I only got second place that’s not excellent”.

Negative filter– This is creating a distorted perspective.” I made a mistake so now it’s all ruined.”

Blaming – Making it others responsibility for you to do well. “ I can’t do well at this subject as my teacher is useless”.

Minimising – Dismissing your achievements. “I won that swim race, but it was only because they were younger than me.”

Always being right – this is a common one with lots of people we meet. It is one of my bug bears with social media .We interact to be right rather than understanding others perspectives and acknowledging their point of view  . The person has to win the fight at any cost and sometimes that is at the cost of the friendship “.  ” I am right you are wrong and I won’t back down “.

Emotional Reasoning – This means thinking that your options are an accurate interpretation of reality without valid evidence to verify or prove this. E.g., “I feel mad at her even though I was not there to witness what happened”.

These patterns of thinking that build up our internal self-talk can be very detrimental to our wellbeing across time.

How, do we recover from these mind traps or avoid them?

If it takes you 20 years to learn to think a certain way, then it’s going to take a while to “ un-learn it “ , hopefully not quite as long though. You have the power to start this today and improve your thinking just by “ thought stopping’. Catching yourself falling into these thought styles and reframing. Which means , challenging that negative automatic default button of “its about me and I am not enough- see here is the evidence “! Instead you catch yourself putting yourself down and intervene on your own behalf to correct that faulty thinking with something far more gentle and less judgmental of the self. Be your own best friend and say to yourself what you would say to someone who you loved and was getting down on themselves and being too harsh on themselves.

 

So, to untwist that mind trap try to reframe.

E.g

Negative thought : I have to get ALL A’s or I won’t get into the University I want to attend .

Instead a more positive re-framing :  If I  don’t get into that University, I will find another that will take me and my grades as they are. I just need to try my best and that is all I can do .

Having someone to “thought stop” with you, like a friend or family member is  a great idea, as it helps you to think outside of your limited thinking and think of alternatives.

Don’t do life in your head alone! Ask for help from someone you respect and trust  , it’s always beneficial !

Happy reframing !