We when describe grief or depression we often just say I feel low , or miserable or sad and lacking motivation . But often times we don’t talk about how that actually feels in our body. I remember when I was grieving the end of a relationship and crying continually. It was like a gasket that built up in my body and  the steam formed a pressure needing to explode. It was quite awful, a deep grey cloudy pain  but at the same time it was a huge release.  Afterwards I felt a calm come over me , like a hit of codeine and  everything felt still I could sit with the pain as it washed through my body and did its thing . Revisit, reflect , regret , release , repair.

I felt empty , yep like there was a huge hole in my torso that the world could see and comment on, not in a positive way either , in a judgey , annoyed way. Have you seen that meme that shows a statue with a huge hole in the middle through which you could see the sea and the landscape ? It illustrates deep grief and loss to a tee.  Carrying around the pain can feel like a heavy handbag that your are so needing to put down , but you have nowhere to put it , even temporarily.

When you really are in the throes of a loss , irrespective of the type of loss , be it a pet, a relative, a friend, a job , or partner , this empty hole is normal and for some it may never completely fill up again. It will always have a hole , even if it is papered over with a thin veil of support , acceptance , love , and  gentle healing . You will always know its there though.  You will learn to live with it .

What about the type of emptiness that you can’t find a reason for ? Everything in our life seems fine, but you feel constantly empty even when you have a loving partner and a supportive family or friends.

Sometimes people who suffer with Borderline Personality Disorder can struggle with chronic emptiness despite success in their lives. People who develop BPD tend to suffer with disruptive patterns of thinking, behaviour, mood and  relating to others . They can struggle with controlling their emotions, have unstable relationships, and feel rejection and criticism very severely.

What can we do about this emptiness ? Can it be cured ? Can we dissolve it ?

Th first thing to do it to be a bit of a detective and find out what we have been thinking that has led to this feeling .

Ask yourself some pertinent questions :

Have I been judging myself or comparing myself to others ?

Do I tell myself all the great things I am , and the things I  do well or do I only notice my failures and shortcomings and put myself down by calling myself names or  berating myself ?

Do others in my life considering my feelings or do I feel that I am always minimising what I am feeling to accommodate others ?

Am I taking car of my physical , emotional and  health needs ?

Do I focus on the needs of others to the detriment of my own ?

Is there something that I am trying to prove or win ?

Do I feel guilty about things that I have no control over and am I blaming myself for things that are not my responsibility and I have no power to change ?

Am I showing myself the same compassion, respect , love , support and care that I would give to a friend or family member ?

Do I assert myself and my needs and feelings in discussions with others and am I respecting my own boundaries ?

Am I able to to say No and not feel guilty or responsible for keeping others happy ?