Oh boy its Christmas time again , that one time of the year when we have to see that Aunt ( number 1 ) who still can’t get over the fact that you didn’t invite her to your wedding a thousand years ago ,even though she has 43 sisters, and you didn’t invite ANY of them to be fair and equitable. Not all of them were nice to you as a kid. And most you haven’t seen or heard from in 15 years. You distinctly remember Aunt 2 giving out freddo frogs at your 9th birthday party , to ALL the cousins. You didn’t get one though, as HER son wanted two frogs and had a tantrum, so she gave in , she was tired of his screaming and said she had a migraine……hum. Invite Aunt 1 , 3 ,and 4 and bugger the rest ? Aint happening ! and no you don’t work for the United Nations so best swipe left the lot of ’em. MUCH EASIER THAT WAY !
Christmas is different though , we sometimes have to pool resources, converge on of the mutual family members who is pivotal to the family glue, the one who is still in love with everyone and wants to keep the peace or worse get you to extend an olive branch. Or it may be Nanny’s last Christmas , ( possibly) she’s paid for you all to go on a lovely memory- making Christmas cruise . You can’t say no right ?
So it goes, we are only as good as our last encounter or not encounter with the relatives. Not rung them for a year ? You might get a passive aggressive jibe about ” family being TOO busy to keep in touch that year “.
Anyway we all need to navigate those tricky encounters somehow , so what do you do ? Here are 8 tips to help you get through that festive feast without feeling nauseous or irritated or angry on what should be a special day for everyone. We all know that when two people at a gathering do not get along it can create a mood like molasses and certainly suck the air dry of any cheer and happy banter. That ugly deadly silence after a raised voice and a couple of “fuck yous ” Hummm……More tea Vicar ?
3. Have realistic expectations , we all have shortcomings and nobody has a monopoly on the truth as a pure absolute when it comes to bonds with others. You as a person can only be defined in your relationships by that contract with that particular person. Its why we collect and shed people through out our interpersonal life . Some stay the distance because you have found a deeper visceral common ground . A kind of symmetry of personality occurs across time. Others go ,because a boundary has been crossed, and the trust and respect is gone .
You may not get them over to your side of the argument and that is ok, you can still agree to disagree. Some people find it incredibly hard to admit they are wrong and have very poor repair a rupture abilities. They can’t practice what they are not skilled at, or they just don’t have the capacity for that . They are not bad people , just limited.
4.Accept that the only thing you can control is your reaction. If someone says something that gets right in your craw, a deeply historical family trigger gets fired. create some space, mentally , don’t react , wait and respond. That space gives you time to put your rational brain into gear rather than relying on the emotional brain…which is not always on your side ! Helping the conflict not to escalate at this stage is your best strategy.
5.Don’t drink too much, a big no no ! Alcohol disinhibits us and we can get real loose lips real quick ! I know I’ve been guilty of that, once its out there , you can’t grab it and shove it under your butt, hoping you can flatten into oblivion. It lingers in the air like off fish and can be a trigger for others to let loose too. World War 111 anyone ?
6.Get active. Being physical , playing games like charades, cricket , trivia quizzes, anything to bring out the fun child like side we all have lying dormant in our aging bodies, a a great way to bring the children together too. Children can be the glue that bring family together and their laughter and enjoyment can be a great party energiser when there is tension in the room .
7.Practice gratitude, look at what you have, look at the world and people with huge unsurmountable problems , families with loved ones that have passed who will be deeply missed and yearned for. You still have that grumpy old Uncle Jim who still buys you a chocolate stuffed Christmas stocking from K-mart and still insists on playing “Operation” with you , even though you are now 18.
8.Practice tolerance , we live in a messy , crazy , imperfect world, and families are that too, a microcosm of what is out there in our busy , dizzy community . People will always disappoint us, make us angry and frustrated , but they will also unexpectedly surprise us ! Pick your battles if something means something to you, and let go of the rest, we are only here for a short time and connections and bonding is everything .