How do I reconnect with my teen

 

Teenagers can be a pain in the back side let’s face it. Mine drove me crazy with their self-absorbed perspective and myopic view of the world according to their next want. Getting them to do anything around the house was like pulling teeth and every conversation about doing stuff would be met with rolls of the eyes and THAT tone, the one that says you are nagging me again. Well hell, yeah, I’ve asked you three thousand times to feed the dog, what else do I do? Yes, I COULD feed him myself but all that does it say to my teen, its ok for him/her to conveniently forget, great ploy, in fact, I know exactly what their modus operandi is, this would then be their internal narrative,

Teen:

“If I SHOW I’m useless, the house bitch will do it “.

LOL. We are only human, sometimes we crack it and guess what? they jump to attention and feed that starving dog.

Teen:

“Ah NOW mum is REALLY asking me to feed that inconvenient dog I better do it.”

It’s not ideal, is it? Most of use grew up with consequences for not doing jobs and to be honest not doing them meant a clip around the ear. It kinda worked to be a bit scared of mum or dad but today I’m wondering if families still have the appetite for it, with all that we know about trauma and parenting with positivity? We simply don’t know what their takeaway will be. Will they be yelling and screaming at their kids too? Have we gone too far the other way?

I have noticed when there is a shift in consciousness with things like parenting that it does tend to swing the pendulum too far, and we throw the baby out with the bathwater. We invariably need a correction in the market. Can we create a balance of both? I guess a lot of parents struggle with this.

I find with many of the parents I counsel there is a lot of love but sometimes their way of interacting with their teen, still echoes what the dynamic was when they were children. That kind of,

“You need to know that being out late at night is dangerous. I’m not allowing you to do that …. “

“You should do all your homework before going out with your friends “

I am expecting you to clean your room today …”’

“Well, done on those great grades, now what are you planning for next term? I am hoping you will put in the same effort “.

“You are not staying out late at your friend’s house, as it is a school night you must be back by 930pm “.

All of these responses are legitimate ways to parent a child, to keep them safe, to develop their boundaries and to expect certain standards and outcomes for their lives. But when they get to 15, 16 or 17 we are starting to see the next stage of their evolution as an individual and it’s when they start to want more autonomy and independence, it’s when they want to start to take more risks and want more freedom to explore the world and learn who they are.

We spend so much time trying to parent that sometimes we forget that behind that darling child that came from our loins or belly or through a wonderful act of fate is a forming human being, who is not an extension of us, and we do not own that child like a piece of property. They are unique .

I remember my own mum when I was 18 -19 needing to take a step back with me and realising that I needed to be treated like a young adult and not a child anymore. It took a huge fight and a very long letter and me deciding to move out to be able to show her that I needed a different way of interacting with her now.

She just couldn’t demand things of me, tell me off all the time, tell me when and how to buy presents for relatives, tell me how to behave with others in the family or what I could not say to relatives outside the immediate family. It just wouldn’t wash anymore. It made me resentful of her.

Its not so much that their intention is to control what you think and feel, its more that they believe you need that same shade of parenting at 16 that you needed at 12.

When I start to see teens and their parents, going off the boil in their interpersonal dynamic it is often that schism, that interface between the old-world order and the new world order and not being able to make that transition, alongside their newly minted young adult.

Remember if you start to see kick back with your kid at 15 -19, you’ve done a great job! They are doing what they are supposed to be doing, wrestling out of the nest, and testing the branches of the trees to see of they can take the weight before they fly the coup.

Sometimes it can be a real struggle, if the parent is still in the mindset of protector, rescuer, nurturer, and mentor. We never stop doing this, but we have to find a way to allow them to develop a self-identity whilst still retaining those roles. A new incarnation of the relationship and its content, adding another layer to facilitate a great bond. We still must parent but if we want to create a more harmonious respectful and easy-going relationship, we need to incorporate some things that can bring that conflict barometer down a little. Break out of the resentment mode that creates a wall between us and for many parents is exhausting and frustrating.

I have some tips I give to my parents when they feel their kid moving away from them psychologically and emotionally and really want to keep that strong connection without suffocating their need for freedom and autonomy. Here is one exercise to start with:

Set a time aside once a fortnight and go out together!

 

Pick a day of the week. Go out for dinner or brekky/brunch (she’s a teen, not too early lol)

Topics you can talk about will be limited to finding out about, the person you have created and invested all those wonderful years in.

• What makes her tick?
• What does she love to do?
• What does she like to talk about?
• What are her values, beliefs, and passions about?
• What does friendship mean to her?
• What does love to mean to her?

 

Find out her ideas and views on things e.g., politics LGBTIQ rights, children, marriage, boyfriends, the type of guy (or girl) she would eventually like to marry.

If those are hard topics to start with, then talk about which countries she would like to travel or what ambitions she has.

STAY AWAY FROM ANYTHING TO DO WITH HER STUDIES OR PARENTING HER IN ANYWAY.

This exercise is not about parent- child relationship. Your aim must always be curiosity to learn.  Its person to person.

When she says something, you admire and respect, tell her then and there.

” I love the way you have such passion for children, you have a special touch with them too “.

If she says something you don’t agree with, listen, and ask questions to understand her point, say you understand her point, but do not try to convince her you are right.

You can agree to disagree at this time.

If there are silences in the conversation, then start to tell her more about you!

• What are your loves?
• What gives you joy? (don’t talk about being a mum though, that is a different context, and not the point of this exercise)
• Tell her funny stories from your past.
• Tell her about what she was like as a child and the things you loved about her!
• Tell her about your views and things that have hurt you and how you recovered from and what you learnt from those life lessons.

This is how your role model to her, what you want to see from her.

She is old enough now to learn more about you and that you are human and fragile sometimes too.

You might do this and find it a bit awkward and clunky as it’s a new way of interacting and it takes time, practise, and patience to get some flow, but you can do it! Ley me know how you go!

A few other things to remember,

• Pick your battles. Not everything is worth fighting over and you will get exhausted. But if you do pick a fight – you must win LOL!!
• Apologise when you have said something to upset them. Saying sorry and then following up with …. BUT if you hadn’t done xyz …” is not an apology. Its blaming them for the fight. It’s a clayton’s apology and won’t wash with them.
• When you have a conflict, listen to learn their perspective, reflect back what you have heard so they know you understand them, validate their feelings, and then work out a solution.
• Do not back track or renege on a punishment and do not allow them to talk you into clawing back their power by trying to negotiate after you have set the boundaries. You must follow through with consequences or they will learn you are a push over, do not mean what you say, and not therefore, respect your word.

 

And by the way,  that dog? he did get feed and he’s incredibly happy thanks, …………..until mealtime tomorrow!