What do you do when you have a loving but disrespectful teen ?  It seems to go with the territory of having this wonderful, feisty, caring, smart, and dynamic child doesn’t it ?  She will argue until she is blue in the face and will NEVER back down . They can be right fighters at that age because they have not learnt that negotiation , compromise and owning your part in the problem is part of being an adult and  the best way to navigate successful relations . Sounds familiar ? Many teens are like this and grow out of it as they mature and start to see they are not  the centre of the world, and other peoples feelings and perspective count too.

I was also that way for many years,  and I  was a mature adult ! no excuses ! until my husband pointed it out to me and I realised that seeing his point of view did not mean he was right and I was wrong , it was a vehicle to reconciliation. Arguing was not about winning it was about finding a solution .

By recognising and validating his view , it did not mean I was agreeing with him, it just meant he was less defensive , less combative and more amenable  seeing my point of view too without necessarily agreeing with it .  Geeze took me until I was well into my thirties for that darn lightbulb to go on .

So I started  being a listener with my kids and reflecting  back their point of view. I  also started quite early with my kids apologising if I felt that I had lost my temper , reacted badly or just didn’t handle the interaction well .   I have found that over time they are now reflecting that behaviour back to me more in our relationship .

Letting them know what kind of impact their words have on you is a good technique too . I will say if I am hurt or upset by their words without getting aggressive or demanding anything of them .

Yet my daughter can still press my buttons !!! I tend to let her have the last word because I know , I have to take the higher  moral ground and  be responsible for not letting the situation escalate , or   it can get  ugly and regrettable.  I don’t let her get disrespectful and she doesn’t get her own way but the argument fizzles out instead  if I don’t take the verbal bait . Otherwise you get down to their maturity level and argue at their level . That is never productive . Some one has to steer the boat out of the mud and that had better be you not them !

Timing is everything :  Approach them about something that is an issue with you when  you are calm and they are calm. Never launch into the discussion either. They will feel hijacked. Talk about something mundane with them first and bring it up organically. Then they wont feel ambushed.

At 17 they feel they are adults and to a degree we have to start the process of treating them like one . Showing respect for their thoughts, opinions , and  autonomy is important . This is the beginning of their  adult life and learning to separate is difficult but we create a new mode of being with our young adult children , that helps them to move forward with confidence and the knowledge they are capable of navigating their own lives , but we are always here to support, love , and we are a soft place to fall  when they need it .

Need to reconnect with your teen ? Call me . First consultation is free !  0408120830