What can you do if your teen has a boyfriend you don’t like? It can be such a source of tension between you and your teen, especially if they are keen on them. Parents have very good radar when it comes to the type of characters that come into their kid’s lives to influence them. Subtle signs that things are not quite right seem to filter through even when you are not directly looking or probing them.  Your daughter seems a bit anxious or irritable, after talking to him a bit too often, she changes the conversation if you mention him, she tells you they have had a “fight “but they are ok now, a bit too often. She stops doing some of the activities she used to do that brought her pleasure and seems to spend a hell of a lot of time either with him or on the phone to him. You find texts from him on her phone that are rude or abusive or controlling.

It’s so common in relationships to blur the boundaries between what is acceptable and not acceptable behaviour over time. Especially when you have been in a gradually deteriorating relationship for a while, or are just discovering who you are as a young adult, learning to navigate the world and deciding who you are. Teens are vulnerable because they still don’t have the life experience to recognise when they are being manipulated or treated with disrespect.  It can be a learning curve of a whole lotta hurt before the penny drops and they get indignant and self- protective. Using our head rather than our heart is hard at the best of times, even more so for a developing teen. Learning to ask themselves the hard questions and then acting on them takes courage, support and self pride.

So, what could you do as a parent to help her?

• Ask her how good relationships are supposed to feel.
• Tell her what was important to you in a relationship when you were younger.
• Tell her about the reasons you love her Dad.
• Tell her what you would not put up with and what felt wrong to you as a dating teen or young woman.
• Discuss with her that often women can be unsure of what is ok / not ok and that they sacrifice their self-worth sometimes to stay with someone who is only lovely, some of the time.
• Discuss with her that arguing is ok and normal, it how we navigate conflict and relation ships, but any put downs, abusive language, name calling and emotional manipulation such as ” if you loved me you’d. ” are all not acceptable EVER . Tell her how this can erode at a woman’s self-esteem over time
• Tell her that domestic violence is on a spectrum, and sometimes the escalation can be insidious and incremental until a woman can feel trapped and helpless overtime.
• Tell her you don’t want to force her out of this relationship (this would prove almost impossible and certainly cause a rift) but you would like her to be well armed and well informed about her needs, boundaries and expectations in ANY relationship she Is in.
• Get her books on what abusive relationships can look like. There is one called ” But he never hit me ” by Jill Murray. It’s specifically for teen girls. Rather than tell her she is in one, this may be counterproductive, ask her what she expects from a relationship?

This can all be explored in a discussion with you (and her Dad) in such a way that she does not feel you are telling her what to do but that you are nutting out thoughts and ideas on what she is entitled to get from her relationship with ALL people not just this boyfriend. Suggesting the books to read might be more powerful if given after the discussion when she has had time to process the talk first.

Not overloading her is important, small incremental talks can leave space for contemplation and fresh thoughts to formulate and to grow in her in values and self boundaries. Starting this process with your teen before she is even in a relationship is a great way to arm her with the knowledge she needs to make sure she doesn’t even start to get into a pattern of bad relationships that get harder and harder to extricate herself from over time.

Got a problem with your teen ?

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