Last week I had a roomful of sobbing teens after a sudden horrific death of one of their school friends. They converged on my room like a swarm of broken- hearted doves .
What do you say ? There is nothing you can say that would not sound hollow or trite is there? Saying, ” oh this is just tragic and awful ” is stating the bleeding obvious right ? Yes and No .

There are no words that can change the status quo or truly give comfort to that shocking paralysing moment you learn that someone you love has gone . Really it is just about holding the space , touching , hugging and crying with them . There are somethings you avoid , saying nothing for one , may be worse than saying something as simple as
” I am so terribly sorry this has happened ” .
” I don’t know what you are going through but I see your pain “.
I didn’t know what to say to my teens either , but I did know that talking about their friend , the times they had with her , how much she meant to them was a way to ride the tidal wave with them in that moment in space and time.

• Telling them that the grief  will ebb and flow and  that the periods between the painful waves will grow longer with time.
• Telling them a little how grief may express itself inside them for the next few months and years . You may feel numb or angry or tearful or sad at unexpected moments.
• Telling them  process of grief is normal  and they may go through the well trekked five stages – or not
• Telling them that they are not responsible for what happened and they should never think they should/ could have done more.
• Telling them  process of grief is normal  and they may go through the well trekked five stages – or not.
• That one day in the future when they have integrated the loss they will remember her with sadness but also with joy at the wonderful impact she had on their lives . That the length of their grieving period is not an indicator of the depth of their love and loyalty . That she would want them to live well for her and find meaning.
• Telling them that they had been a gift to her while she was here, that she left this world with their love , support and memories of fun and joy and friendship in her heart.
• Telling them she may no longer be with them in body but her soul and her spirit is tucked warmly into their hearts and there she will live on.

These words are no consolation and at that moment in time and space , in the midst of the shock and anger and pain they may have no impact…… yet . But somewhere in their tearful gorgeous teen minds , hopefully those words will lay dormant waiting to calm their souls in the days to come. That is my hope ?

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