The Principal of my son’s school rang. Uggh. Boy, we all dread that, don’t we ? Not handing in his homework ? His head was stuck between the climbing frame and the bouncing jack ?Nope. He had been accused of ongoing bullying of another boy with some others boys. My son had been friends with this boy for a while and as far as I knew they had a great friendship. I knew the Mum, she was lovely, and our sons had had many play dates that according to both parties were fun and happy. I listened carefully to the Principals concerns. My first thought was” Oh no MY kid is not a bully!” I am sure I learnt this delicious bias from my Mum who used to listen to my woes and would be marching up the school sorting out the whole lot of them, within a nanosecond. Never thinking for a second there could be another side to the story and I might have embellished the “dumping me into the rubbish bin “bit- a little.My son had been known to exhibit a bit of barbarian belligerence at home, but so do most expressive lively kids but he has a sound conscience and is endlessly compassionate. The Principal assured me that this was not here say, that there had been witnesses and that my son I will never forget it, can be a, ” stand-over man ” . Not only had he said things to upset the boy he had also been rude to the mother. I rang the mum who had been reluctant to call me, and listened as she listed his inventory of crimes and misdemeanours. I told her immediately “not to worry this ends today”. I was furious.
When I spoke to my son, I did not yell but he could tell I was angry and wanted an honest explanation of events from his point of view. I could tell he was culpable on some level. We read the sub text with our kids and he was contrite and said” yes Mum I was a bully a bit but I did not do all of what they said, “. That was enough for me. We talked about the consequences of bullying with his Dad and worked out a plan of action. We got him to empty his Fishpond money box and buy the boy a new release Nerf gun (yeah I know… it’s a boy thing ok!!)
We rang the parents and went to the boy’s house. We sat and talked for an hour and my son apologised” I feel like a sock in a sack “. (Whatever that means). I glanced at the Mum and we stifled a smile. The boy’s eyes lit up when he saw the gun and they were best buddies again.
Interestingly the mother rang me a few months later and said that she had realised that my son had not been the ring leader and she said another child was the main culprit and that she believed this child had been lying. I said that whatever transpired my son was responsible, for his part in the problem, and he had bravely owned that, and made recompense. I was so proud of him. The mother was amazed at how our family dealt with this issue. She had not expected it, and had been afraid to tell us, because of the potential backlash, some denying parents will just not have it. This is not a gift to their children, it does not teach them ownership or responsibility and even kids from good homes can exhibit bullying or mean spirited behaviour without really realising it sometimes. Our sons have both left their primary school but are still the best of friends, years later.
What do you do when your kid is bullying others?
- Listen carefully to both sides of the narrative. Your child needs your support even if they are in the wrong.
- Ask for witnesses.
- Once you have a clear picture of what transpired, talk to your child about their part (however small) in the escalation or contribution to the problem.
- Talk to them about the consequences and effects of bullying on them and on the victim.
- Ask them what they could have done differently.
- Ask them what they have learned from the experience.
- Ask them what would be a good way to apologise.
A month later my son received a beautiful Christmas card from a Mum of a boy with severe autism at our school, thanking him for his friendship and kindness to her son. Little did I know but my son had been quietly playing and reading to this child daily during that very same year! I made sure I scanned and sent that one to the Principal Lol!!
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